What about when you go swimming? and other questions people with tattoos cant bear.

Perhaps last summer you were feeling a little naughty so you went out and got yourself a tattoo, and by golly you love it. Maybe you are big tattoo enthusiast and you enjoy using art on your body as a way of expressing who you are and what you love. You could’ve got a tattoo for a family member or a teddy bear or something else you love. You fools! Now you will have to spend the rest of your life being asked ridiculous fucking questions from self-righteous pricks! You won’t be able to go anywhere for fear of some ignorant little twerp quizzing you and grabbing your arms to get a closer look at something they don’t understand because their version of society gives tattoos bad connotations. Well I’m here to help. This is a list (of course I bloody love lists) of all the stupid questions you are going to spend the rest of your life gritting your teeth through.

But what does it mean? I can see that it’s a flower but what does it mean? I get it some people get tattoos that mean something, and in this case you won’t need my advice. Just tell the idiot what it means and move on. But for the rest of us who don’t think that everything needs a fucking meaning this is going to be a nightmare. We don’t go around asking this question to passers-by because we understand that everything doesn’t need a meaning. I get that your car is red but what does it mean? I like your new suit, but what does it mean? You’re having an avocado for lunch yeah, but what does that mean? I’ll tell you what it means, it means that I like the way this thing on my body looked. It means I could imagine it looking beautiful or interesting for a life time. It means I’m a grown adult and I will do whatever the hell I want!

Aren’t you worried what you might look like when you are sixty? Ok let’s analyse this. When I’m sixty, I’m going to be coming to the end of my working life, I will have met most of the people I’m going to meet that matter. I will hopefully have grandchildren that love me. At 60 if I have people in my life that judge me based on the modifications I have on my skin I will have made some terrible life choices.

But what about when you take you children swimming? The short answer to this is, I will go swimming with my children. We will get changed, swim, probably get a kit Kat from the vending machine after.

Well won’t you feel bad that you have tattoos and other parents might look at you? I don’t know maybe it’s me, but to be honest most people I know who have tattoos probably got told they shouldn’t but got them anyway because they are really bad ass. This kind of person is not the kind of person that is going to get upset at a swimming pool (unless the wave machine is broken, people with tattoos notoriously love wave machines) because a few squares are looking at them. I will be with my children, I will be looking after my children, I will not be looking in case other swimmers are staring at my tattoos, if all I care about when my children are born is if people are going to stare at my tattoos all the time something terrible could happen to my kids. I’ll be so insecure just looking around crying and screaming STOP STARING AT ME!! Only to find the wave machines been fixed and my son is drowning. Again the short answer is; thank you for worrying about my swimming options but no I won’t be worried about other parents.

How are you going to get a job? I will put on a fucking shirt*. I wasn’t planning on working naked. What kind of person do you think I am? So desperately proud of my tattoos I’m going to show up in string vests to interviews from now. In fairness though maybe I wouldn’t be able to get a job at the swimming pool. But who the hell wants to work there anyway the wave machine is always broken.

What do your parents think of them? Let’s just imagine for a second that we lived in a world where everybody just asked people what their fucking parents thought about things all the time? Is that a new hat? What do your parents think? Why is it so important to you to know what my mum thinks about things? Why has this never come up before? Just the other day I ate curry on toast. Many people would consider this a bad life choice, but I don’t get people coming up to me all the time asking what my mum thought about it. We are our own people. Some people’s parents like their tattoos. Some people’s hate them, others are indifferent. How in any way will it enhance your life knowing how my mum a woman you have never met and probably never will, feels about me getting a tattoo.

Did it hurt? Unless you have never seen a tattoo before ever. Then I’m sure somebody has already answered this one before for you. Tattoos hurt a bit, but most people get more than one tattoo, so that tells you something. Just like how women always complain about child-birth being painful but it doesn’t put them off having children. So the answer is yeah, it hurts but not enough to stop me having another child. Tattoo.

I was thinking of getting a sleeve done how much would a sleeve cost? Again this is beyond stupid. Assuming because somebody has tattoos the place where they had them done just gave them all the information they need to go around giving price consultations to strangers they met at Alton Towers. This is the equivalent of somebody buying a car and you expecting them to know the price of every car. This isn’t how life works. Why don’t you know how life works?

If you have tattoos or are thinking about getting one, please don’t let these twats put you off doing something that you think is beautiful and uplifting. Something that allows you to express yourself in your own way and not the way people tell you should. Just remember life isn’t about wave machines or what people’s parents think. You only get one shot at this life (unless you believe in an afterlife of some kind) and if tattoos are symbiotic with your happiness then don’t let any of these pathetic douchebags get in your way. It’s their problem not yours.

*If you got a tattoo on your neck or hands or even face then I don’t have any experience in answering this question. So I would love you to help advise others on this in the comments below.