It is here, the big old politics day. The day where we decide which person we hate the least. Which person we will like for two weeks and hate for 4 years and 50 weeks. The person whose name we will say in a passive aggressive manor when we realise that a pint of lager is going to cost us 30p more than last year. The person who we will see on the news shaking hands with other important people we don’t give a shit about. Politics, what does it all mean? Does anything ever change? Are we as a nation just voting for another scape goat? Somebody to blame for all of our problems? Before politics we blamed god. But God, real or not doesn’t get upset and red faced on the TV when everything gets all fucked up. I’m not here to tell you who to vote for, that is ridiculous. Why would you trust a guy on the internet that doesn’t even live in Britain anymore. But I am here in my almighty wisdom and self-entitlement to tell you all why you need to vote. If you like being told what to do by somebody with very little political knowledge and an attitude problem then this is the mother fucking list for you.One vote does actually count. You hear this one a lot. “Why should I vote? One vote won’t make a difference.” This is a classic statement from a classic moron. Of course one vote counts. Why the fuck would anybody else vote if one vote didn’t count? Oh if votes don’t count let’s all just not vote then shall we. Will just leave the blubbering idiots in Westminster to decide amongst themselves on who gets to play with the toy for the next five years. Your vote matters just as much as anybody else. Surely you can’t have such low self-esteem that you think people out there are crossing boxes better than you making their vote more important yours. Get down there and cross that box like you were born to do. I’ve seen you cross a box before and it was amazing. Maybe you’ll cross it so good you’ll get two votes, who knows? You can do it tiger!
If you don’t vote then you can’t moan. (I know you silly sausages love a moan) One day, maybe not right away. Maybe not even in the next few months. But one day you’re gonna be upset by something that happened to your life. Then you’re gonna be in the pub having a beer and you’ll go “can’t believe they are privatizing the NHS, this government is awful” and then somebody, possibly not even at your table will pop up and say. “Well who did you vote for?” and you’ll say “oh I didn’t vote” and then there will be such laughter. Oh such laughter. We will all laugh and point and say look at Tom. Tom thinks he is allowed an opinion on the way this country is run. But he isn’t because he didn’t vote. “GO HOME TOM!” they will all say through tears of laughter. You will saunter home wishing you had taken my advice and hide away for 5 years desperately voting on things. Your phone bill will be ridiculous from all the contestants you have voted out of big brother. Until you come out old all beardy and weirdy to finally cross that box you should have crossed when a guy who doesn’t live in Britain told you to. Do as you’re told tom, that’s a good boy.
Women, A lady got trampled by a horse for you. (and other women had some terrible experiences too) Brave women fought for your right to vote, they were injured, imprisoned, mistreated, force fed and even lost their lives to give you the right to vote. And you’re just not going to bother. Just think how outrageous that is. You know what? The system isn’t fair. Women still don’t get paid and treated equally. Racism is still a huge problem in Britain. LBGT people still need to fight every day for equality. THAT SUCKS. But on the 7th of May everybody is equal. Everybody’s vote is counted exactly the same. If you think things need to change. Then turn off Jeremy Kyle and have a walk down to the polling station. Get yourself a Yorkie on the way home. Because Yorkie is not just for boys it’s for any fucker that goes out and takes it. Like voting.
I bet you’ve read that and you’re itching to vote. But it’s not till Thursday. In the meantime do some research on who to vote for, you don’t want to get there and get all confused. Do a bit of practice crossing boxes you probably haven’t done it with a real pen for a while. I hope you make the right choice and you get the posh, spluttering figure head you always dreamed of.