Dont get all drunk and start making things weird as well as other totally cool relationship advice.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re… no wait sorry. Life is like a box of shit. You always know what you’re going to get and it’s always shit in a box. But maybe you’ve met somebody that makes your humble box of shit not so bad. If you have, you’re probably going to want to keep that person around for a while. But how do you get a person to stay with you? Besides actually locking them in the basement you can’t force them. People have to make their own choices these days because of laws and stuff. I can’t tell you what you should do in your relationship. Cause I don’t fucking know alright. But I can tell you what not to do. So here it is sports fans, a lovely little guide to stop your relationship from ruining your box of shit.


Don’t get all drunk and start making things weird. When your single and you get drunk, your friends find you funny when you start being a total loser. However this wonderful person you have met will find it funny at first, in fact you will actually be funny at first. But at second, (why do we say at first but not at second?) you will have things in your mind about your relationship that sober you wouldn’t say or probably even think about. Drunk you jumps to conclusions like a dreadful Sherlock homes. Drunk you tries to crucify the criminal they have imagined in their stupid drunk head. Be careful because drunk you will say a bunch of stuff that make absolutely no sense. But unfortunately the words that you said whilst drunk may also be held in evidence against you in a court of relationships. The problem is sober you now has to be drunk you’s lawyer. But you are defending a douchebag. If you are in this situation the only way you can come out the other side is by accepting that drunk you is a fool and desperately pleading guilty of slander.

Don’t talk to mutual friends about your problems. Mutual friends are so cool, like totally rad. I get to hang out with my sexy partner but also my cool friend. What could go wrong?  Everything. Fucking everything could go wrong. At some point your partner is gonna get all drunk and say weird stuff you don’t like. Your cool friend will be like “hey mate what’s up?” and you’ll say something like “I hate James, he ruins everything.” Your cool friend will give you some shitty advice and you’ll take it because your friend is so cool they must have it figured out. Well your cool friend lives with their mum and still hasn’t gotten over the guy they kissed in 2002 that’s why they have so much expendable income and cool hats. Didn’t you see the signs? If you need advice, go to somebody that doesn’t know you both. Then you will get some advice from somebody that puts your needs first and not the needs of you both.

Don’t use them as a scapegoat. Sometimes life isn’t perfect. Your job might not be right or you might have fell in a puddle or something. I don’t know what kind of problems you have, but I do know falling in a puddle is horrible. It can become easy to take out and/or blame your problems on your partner. They are the person you come home to. One day you’ll come home and realise that your box of shit life is still a box of shit, and you’ll just let it all out on them. But what does this achieve? Unless you are literally going out with a wizard/witch then they can’t just solve your problems for you. I’m not talking about the witches that play with stones and stuff cause I’m not sure a stone can help you but maybe if you do have a stone lover for a partner you could ask and see. But don’t come knocking on my door when the stone hasn’t done anything because like I said I’m not sure if stones do anything. I digress. Taking your personal problems or lack of achievement out on your partner only stands to hurt them and make you look bad. If something isn’t going your way ask them for a little bit of that sweet advice, or go out and make a change yourself. Don’t start saying random angry words it never gotten anybody anywhere. Except me because right now you are reading random angry words so that’s where it’s got me. It’s got me some more people to read angry words about not saying angry words. That’s how far angry words get you.

Don’t expect your partner to share your ideals. If you want your partner to like everything you do, share the same political views, be excited by the same things, and eat all the same things. Then you don’t need a partner, you my friend need a mirror. Mirrors unlike partners don’t talk shit about your favourite films, mirrors eat everything you do, and mirrors look shit when you looks shit. Mirrors are great. But a mirror will never actually be any fun and they are heavy and carrying one round all the time kissing it and talking to it will get you rejected from nightclubs and other places where people don’t just carry mirrors round. Relationships need to be symbiotic. You need to both be growing and moving forward for there to be any point. If you have been with somebody for a while and you haven’t learnt or changed because of them then you may actually be in a relationship with a mirror and you can call this number to find out 0800-AMISERIOUSLYDATINGAFUCKINGMIRRORORISTHISPERSONJUSTREALLYLIKEME. So welcome the debates and the change because essentially it will make you a better person. If not for them but at least for you.

Don’t put pressure on sex. Woody Allen famously said “sex is the most fun you can have without laughing” which is great and true and cool and omg I love Woody Allen he is so relatable, or whatever. But let’s dissect that so I can prove a really great point and look smart and wise. It’s the most fun you can have WITHOUT laughing. Laughing is more fun than sex. Relationships are not about just mindlessly banging away until the neighbours can’t take the noise anymore and move to Botswana. Relationships are about choosing somebody that is so perfect that you can’t have fun without them. You can’t enjoy a film or a meal without thinking whether they would like it. You can’t go the day without desperately wanting to share everything with them. Relationships are about the adventures, the growth the experience. Yes, certainly sex is part of that experience. But it isn’t the main event. Sex is the warm up act before your favourite band play that turn out to be awesome as well , then you buy the cd and just get a new favourite band and you thank your old band but then you realise your old band is more important for you than this new band because your old band understands you. But the good thing is you can have both or one or the other at any given time. And that’s fine. It’s when you have neither that you have a problem. Sex should never feel like a chore or something that is mandatory. If you don’t feel like it sometimes it doesn’t mean that your relationship is dead, it means that other things may be more important at that time and if you truly love somebody you won’t care.

Relationships are tough and you have to fight for your right to party. Sorry. You have to fight for them. You have to work at things both together and separately in order to make your box of shit a place where you can be happy. Good luck out there and try not to fall in a puddle and drop your mirror.


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