Welcome to the new age, a place of endless fun like candy crush and stalking exes from a mutual friends Facebook account in the dark eating beans straight out of the tin on a Wednesday. A place where we can all share the important things in life with everybody we fucking know ever, all by poking our chubby grubby stubby fingers at a little rectangle we keep in our pockets. (Or bras for you sassy ladies out there, you know who you are.) The IMPORTANT things that nobody would want to miss. The real moments that people you consider extras in the movie of your life couldn’t do without. The kind of things that you think give these “extras” of your life “positive vibes” or whatever douchey turn of phrase you narcissistic pricks are using right now. “But luke you are literally writing a blog and hoping people will approve and tell you nice things so that in 2 weeks from now you can completely forget about it but occasionally bring it up at parties when your drunk so your life looks like it might be going somewhere. Isn’t that narcissism at its highest degree?” I hear you saying this as you read my writing and complaining about you and the answer to your question is fuck you. Get your own blog and moan about me. Anyway back to the point. Here is a list of ways you might be looking like a show off on Twitterbook and Snapagram.
Let’s start with food posts shall we. Now food posts I do like a bit, maybe too much. Sometimes it’s nice to eat your morning cereal whilst staring longingly and somebody you met in a club in 2011’s low fat low carb breakfast in Hong Kong. I for one think that if you have made yourself something fantastic or difficult for dinner at home and nobody is around to share it with you then you should certainly force 500 strangers and 10 close friends to look at it. That way you get the sense of achievement that making nice food for yourself deserves. I also think if you’ve been working all hard and earning “Dat paper” and you and Susan (your latest 7/10 lady friend) decide to go somewhere spectacular and out of the ordinary for dinner, then hell I don’t mind seeing the picture. But here it is. DO NOT FUCKING POST PICTURES OF A PIZZA EXPRESS! Everybody knows what a pizza looks like, everybody knows what a pizza express pizza looks like. We all know what the menu looks like. I get it pizza is cool and really photogenic and now you can by sweet ass pencil cases that say I love pizza. But the point I’m trying to make is that chain restaurant food is not worthy of Instagram. However the worst sin of all is if you are a shit cook. Like a really shit cook and you make a weird roast dinner with sweet corn on it or something and the roast potatoes look all pale and sad like a snowman when he sees the sun come out. Then don’t post a picture it has the opposite mood to the one you’re trying to set, if you are trying to wet my appetite you are dead wrong, you’ve wet the toilet bowel with the contents of my stomach. You’ve made me sick, if you didn’t get that. Some meals almost never look good in pictures, like roast dinners. Roast dinners are that girl whose photos you have to keep going through before you meet her to check if she is really attractive or not. Roast dinners are always good, they look good in person, they have a great personality but they just aren’t always good in photos. Next time just eat your roast dinner and meet that person whose photos you’re not sure about. Because I can tell you right now nobody cares about your life. Except your mum probably, cause mums are really cool. You should call your mum.
When you were younger did your parents ever go on holiday? I bet they did parents love holidays. When they got back I’m sure they made you look through all of their terrible photos and told you all about that bruschetta they had. Whilst you shovel salt and vinegar chip sticks into your mouth and try to feign interest. Well when you go on holiday now you post 50 pictures of you and Dave having a great time in Crete. What you are doing is exactly the same as your parents but you aren’t providing everybody with chip sticks. Truth be told Dave is pretty cool and I wouldn’t mind seeing how his holiday went. But why not just give us the highlights. 5 photos, 5 top quality phots.
You and Dave on the beach,
You and Dave having a cocktail,
Yours and Dave’s bruschetta,
Yours and Dave’s legs by the pool
And maybe one of Dave having a beer at the airport next to a clock at some crazy time like 9am cause Dave is a fucking bad ass.
That will do. That’s all we need to know that Dave had a great time in Crete and that you were also there. If everybody shared their holiday in this way then I could scroll through Facebook knowing that the Daves of the world are all enjoy there 4 weeks paid holiday a year and that will give me “positive vibes”
But how about dogs and babies? Recently I became an uncle, so now looking at babies isn’t so scary and actually sometimes cute. So ladies and gentlemen of social media that have a little version of them that they want to show us, go ahead let’s have a look at what took you 2 minutes to make and nine months to grow because you have my attention. However you have my attention about once a week, somewhere like a Thursday afternoon I don’t mind seeing a baby. I do not want to see you rugrat 17 times a day. What you don’t realise is that your child eating a cucumber isn’t as cute as you think. Actually whilst we are here, children with ice cream round their mouth is vile so just stop those ones altogether please. On to dogs and all animals I suppose. I would like to see pictures of your pet 17 times a day. People with pets you aren’t posting enough. Take a leaf out of the new mum book and just go bat shit crazy with your pet pictures, especially puppies. If you’ve got a puppy stop being so greedy with its cuteness. Send me the pictures directly if you don’t want to annoy that guy that is scared of dogs. If you want to spread “positive vibes” then pet pictures are the way to do this.
Why don’t you use google? You know who you are, you people choosing to ask you Facebook friends questions that google can answer without being at all put out because it is search engine that has zero feelings and never gets tired of dealing with your bullshit. “Hi guys does anybody know where I can buy a decent egg timer?” all it does is make you look like a fool. Is that what you want to look like a fool that doesn’t know what google is? Because that is how you look like a fool that doesn’t know what google is. As I’m scrolling through and I see your ridiculous question “anybody know where does breakfast off the a5? At first I take delight in you foolishness but then after I feel a bit sorry for you. Feeling sorry for you isn’t “positive vibes”! It’s the opposite. That is negative vibes, the worst kind of vibes. All because you don’t know how to google.
Stop selling shit. If I wanted to be surprised the desire for something I never knew I wanted I would spend every afternoon in Ikea. I know that now there are Facebook groups for selling stuff and that is cool and forward thinking. So if you want to buy and sell stuff you can go there and see if the stuff you own has any real value or you can buy a tennis racket that needs a new grip. But may I remind you that we already had a place full of other peoples unwanted shit. It’s called eBay. Oh my, it’s fantastic go there and sell you iPhone with a broken screen Tracy!
That’s it, well I think that’s it but I can’t tell because I forgot to take a picture of my dog near the jacket potato I had for lunch on the plate I was going to sell on Facebook whilst I was in Prague, does anybodyknow where I can get a decent time machine? People who have bothered to read this are now probably expecting me to round this all off with something cool and dangerous. But I’m not going to do that.