One of these days, or perhaps it’s happened already. One of these days, you are going wake up and people are going to look at you all funny. People are going to expect you to be serious, and to get stuff done all the time. These people aren’t getting stuff done all the time. These people aren’t being serious all the time. Well at least I don’t think they are. This is because I am not. I am a pretend adult. This post is going to teach all of you donuts how to get through life by doing just enough, so you may appear all adulty, without losing all that fun laziness that you were put on this god-forsaken earth to enjoy.
Let’s start with food. We all love a bit of food don’t we? That’s because we need it so we don’t die. That’s your first piece of advice; Eat or you will die. As we grow older people start giving you funny looks if all you eat are Findus crispy pancakes and potato waffles. That judgemental middle-class-only-working-two-days-a-week-just-to-get-out-of-the house-bitch that works at the co-op will give you some funny old looks if you buy smiley face potatoes, she might even have the audacity to ask you how old your “little one is” she knows you don’t have a little one. People with little ones don’t wear fake Ray Bans a
nd curry stained jeans to the co-op on a rainy Saturday morning. People with little ones stay at home and shout and be frightened. Don’t they? When pretending to be an adult you have to take the little victories. The vi
ctories that only you (Maybe your partner as well, if they are even that interested in little victories, actually I have cracked it haven’t I? That’s what love is. Finding somebody that enjoys the same little victories as you do.) know about. Things like eating fancy pasta and fancy pesto straight out of your Ikea pan when nobody is around.
“What did you have for lunch today?”
“Oh just some organic dairy free pesto on some whole wheat pasta”
“That sounds lovely”
“Yeah it was so good I ate it straight out of the pan”
“Nothing James, Another pint of the microbrew is it?”
You get to sit at home with a spoon and a pan and think “I AM THE MASTER OF THE FANCY FOOD AND ALL OF ITS MINIONS; I CARE SO LITTLE I SHOVEL IT OUT OF THE PLACE IT WAS MADE HOT. None of you serious adult food persons will ever know of my atrocities.”
Mild knowledge. Part of being an adult is being interested in things that other adults find to be Important and fun. Like which bank offers the best interest rate? Which supermarkets bananas are the most yellow? Why are supermarkets bananas so yellow? Is it all the pesticides? What’s happening to our bananas? I’m going to get my bananas from somewhere else. In fact I am quite interested in bananas, and their roles and responsibilities in a modern society. But that’s just me. One thing that nobody is interested in, is interest rates which is weird because the words are the same. NATWEST: Getting you interested in interest rates. You’re welcome Natwest for your future marketing plan. So as a fake adult you need to think about bananas less and interest rates more. I think. No, no that wasn’t the point. The aim of this paragraph was to tell you that unless you meet a particularly boring person most people only know a little bit about these adult topics like tax bands and what todays date is? So just learn a little about a few boring things and then people will think you’re all grown up. Also just look at today’s date every now and then, because that way you get to be the smug date knower, and that’s a great job.
Weekend plans. If you want to be an adult it isn’t about changing your plans at the weekend. It’s about changing the way you tell people your plans or what you did. Here are a few examples
“Got so drunk, I passed out on my friend’s living room floor”
“Had a few glasses of wine and got an early night”
“I stayed in bed all day and watched David Attenborough documentaries”
“I got some well needed rest. Did you see Human Planet?”
“Stayed out late, woke up, and realised I’d wet the bed.”
“There is nothing quite like fresh bed linen is there.”
All of this basic re-phasing will make people believe you’re more sensible than a travel iron, and more grown up than Daniel Radcliff now, compared to when we saw him in the first film. Oh isn’t it brilliant to see him flourishing as an adult. Good luck Daniel.
The Home. This one is really important. If you keep your home clean and add a few adult items, then people will come over and say “oh aren’t you an adult” or something along those lines. You will be like yeah I am look at my plant mum. I got distracted writing this. Probably by something really adult like a French film. So I forgot where this was going. Damn adulthood. Pre European cinema me was probably going to say something about hoovering. What is it about hoovering? Oh yeah, hoovering, just do it. Vacuuming: Nothing is impossible. Those phases seem familiar and out of context but still relevant. I’m not saying do all of the house work all of the time, cause that’s fucking bullshit and you’ll never take my advice again cause you’ll be two busy re-grouting your tiles to read my posts. But do have a bash at a few jobs a week. Hoovering is the easiest unless your house is huge. If you have a huge house ask yourself why you’re reading this post, what are you trying to escape from? Hoovering is just pushing something around really isn’t it, although once it’s done you don’t get detention like you did when you pushed people around at school. What you get is nothing really. It’s what you don’t get. What you don’t get is people leaving your house when they come round for chai tea saying something like “those carpets had crumbs all over them, remind me never to send them a Christmas card, they’ll probably have their dinner off it.” Step 2, get some adult looking shit. Adult looking shit includes but is not limited to;
Candles shaped like things that aren’t candles.
Olive oil in a glass bottle.
Plants that look hard to take care of. (Nobody thinks cacti are impressive anymore)
Candles that look like candles.
Books (try and read a few in case some busy-body starts saying shit about them, you don’t want to look like a fool.)
Wine that isn’t just called red wine. Get a wine with its own name. I like Shiraz, it ends with a Z and that sounds like it’s a leftover slang from the text speak era.
Candles that smell like things you’ve smelt somewhere else and wouldn’t expect a candle to smell like.
Having read all that I truly believe you can make it out there in the big wide world of fake adults and strictly come dancing. If you are really good at faking adulthood you may have just skim read this, and I don’t care, that just means you’re already showing promise. But just in case somebody I know shows you this and you want to look like you care about what I wrote and prove you can read really well, here is a summary. Go out there and get yourself a candle. Seriously get yourself a bloody candle. You don’t even have to light it, or feed it, or walk it or anything really. It’s not a dog. It’s just a candle. But don’t light it and leave it unattended. The same goes for dogs too.