There are a lot of people in the world. Like 7 billion. 7 billion bumbling idiots running around doing all the stuff. you’re one of those idiots. (unless you’re a robot or a really smart dog on the internet. If you are please email me because I’d love to make friends with a really smart dog.) Having a positive outlook on life will make most of the idiots you come across at least tolerable. Some of them you might even like enough to go for a burrito with. However, there are some exceptional wank stains out there. I’m not just talking about Draco Malfoy and all his mates. I’m talking about people you will come across on a daily basis, what we have here, is a lovely list of dickheads and how to deal with them.
The Person who thinks life is like school. Some people value the social hierarchy of school till the day they die. These little bean heads will be chasing popularity in the nursing home. I’m sure you have met one of these in the work place. Perhaps you’ve told a really good joke and Mary from accounts is having a right good chuckle and this gets the person who thinks life is like school all riled up and angry. You can see they are angry, they’ve gone all red faced and sulky, but because life isn’t like school they can’t just put you in a bin and roll you down a hill like they used to. That kind of shit gets you in the HR office. The person who thinks life is like school will usually do one of three things
- Spread a rumour that you had intercourse with a jar of Nutella
- Make up a lie that you were smoking oregano and tell your manager
- Try to turn everybody against you by saying you made up a rumour that they had intercourse with a jar of Nutella and then be really nice to your face.
These things are just some examples and there may be some variables, perhaps it will be marmite not Nutella, or some other rumour all together. Either way the point stands. This vicious little sack of shit will try and undercut you just cause Mary liked your joke.
So how do we deal with the person who thinks life is like school?
It’s a tough one because rumours about intercourse with jarred goods are difficult to shake off. The only thing you can do with this person is confront them directly. Not all aggressive. Don’t shove them and get fired and then blame me. I would suggest you say something like, “have I done something to upset you?” this is much more passive than its counterpart “have you got a problem?” the person that thinks life is like school is usually frightened by you bringing their behaviour to light. The person that thinks life is like school is a sneaky soul so being exposed or found out is like having your mum phoned by a teacher. That’s their weak spot, their Achilles heel. Get them where it hurts. Then go home and celebrate with Nutella on toast.
The traveling pants. This person went somewhere. It doesn’t have to be like a weird trip around Asia. Maybe they went to Ibiza for the summer or some other long holiday/self-exploration journey. The travelling pants always has a story that is just like yours but in a different country.
The Travelling pants: “How was your weekend matey?”
(of course the travelling pants uses the term matey)
You: “Really good thanks, I went bowling with a really smart dog I met on the internet”
(We know you’re out there dog.)
The travelling pants: “oh yeah, once I went bowling in Singapore with a dog that could dance and smoke weed and the dog ate a whole watermelon whilst I wore a Singaporean princess’s trousers on a beach at sunset. Did I tell you I went to Singapore?”
So how do we deal with the travelling pants?
If possible the best thing to do is cut the travelling pants out of your life and take a nap. Naps are always good, especially after you’ve cut somebody out of your life. Although, sometimes you can’t just cut people out of your life, maybe they’ll win the lottery and you won’t get any cause of all the cutting out of your life you did to them. So dealing with the traveling pants is easy. Every time the travelling pants tells you a story, simply tell them you’ve already heard it. say something like “ahh yeah you told me that at Deborah’s wedding” people hate forgetting they’ve already told a story its fucking humiliating. Make sure you tell them where you heard the story, it’s those kind of details that make you look like you have a really good memory. Everybody is jealous of really good memories.
Corn Flakes. Its Friday night and you wanna cut loose, get foot loose and something else, moose. I don’t know. Anyway, you’ve made plans with just one person. Corn flakes. Corn flakes is a nice person and good fun, you and corn flakes have had some smashing times. You and corn flakes once got drunk and egged your ex’s house. Good old corn flakes. But the problem is, this person, this corn flaky person, is flaky and always cancels plans. If you make plans with just corn flakes you can bet your house they will call ten minutes before your BNO (that’s big night out for all you mums reading this) and say that they got hit with a stick by an angry brazilian gentlemen on the way home from work. All the excuses, all of the time. It’s hard being friends with corn flakes. All those nights with cancelled plans, how many times have you had pizza alone because of corn flakes? It’s not right. It’s not right.
So how do we deal with corn flakes?
Corn flakes is a toughy. Because all things considered, corn flakes is fun and you want to spend time with them. The best thing to do with our Kellogg’s friend is to make plans with them to go out in groups, or only see them on the spur of the moment when you are both up for it. making plans in advance with this person could spoil your whole weekend. Nobody wants a spoilt weekend. Everybody just wants a good time and a nap afterward.
So cool it hurts. This person takes themselves very seriously. They probably have two leather jackets and brew their own beer. They probably use a camera with film and eat food from a van with a man with a beard and a nan. Everybody’s got a nan, or had a nan at some point. I just got carried away because rhyming is infectious. I hope you catch the rhyme virus and we can live in a world full of doctor Zeus’. Anyway, so cool it hurts. Their partner is a librarian or something that is so boring its cool, and they are in a band that is just three guys throwing eggs at a tin bowl. I know what you’re thinking, this person can also be the travelling pants. If you meet travelling pants so cool they hurt. Kill it. kill it so it doesn’t breed. That is a particular kind of douchebag the world cannot deal with. Just kill it and go to prison for a while for the good of the rest of us. We will all send you Nutella in to prison, because somebody told us you really like it. really like it. I digress, so cool it hurts is really into looking weird, listening to unknown noises on a record player and retro porn. I know nobody reading this would choose to have a friend like this. You probably know so cool it hurts because one of your other friends brings them to your outings and they complain because pizza express is too mainstream. Don’t you dare say shit about pizza express their marketing is incredible and the pizza is fantastic.
So how do we deal with so cool it hurts?
Well you only have to see them on the odd occasion, so the best thing to do is just enjoy it. say things that will purposefully wind them up like;
“Robbie Williams’ rudebox album was a classic.”
“Tony blair was a good chap”
“throwing eggs in a tin bowl is not music”
“I heard you had sex with a jar of Nutella.”
Things like that will make so cool it hurts extremely angry and maybe they’ll go home or to some bar underground with a budgie and everybody dresses like it’s a coal mine and they all eat pasties and drink home brew out of flasks. If anybody thinks that’s a good Idea for a bar, holla at me y’all lets go into business. If not just forget I said anything ok.
It’s such a good feeling to give such good advice all the time. I hope having read this you will go away and meet the guy/or girl of your dreams and just have a fuck load of fat children. That wasn’t the point of this advice. That’s something different entirely, something I am not qualified to give anybody advice on. What I do hope is that you’ll spend less time with these idiots and more time taking naps with really smart dogs. There that ought to do it.