About this time last year there was lovely Little post called Are you you using social media to send “positive vibes” and is your roast dinner sexy? That was aimed at telling all of you out there how not to be such a massive dick on social media. Maybe some of you listened and for that the world is grateful. But but but we still regularly see examples of humongous fuckery all over the internet place, the place where we tell people all the things that we do. Sometimes you’re doing good things and we’ve discussed that. However, there are some posts that have become “trendy” and these posts are making you look like a cock sock. So here we go again another fucking post about how to be an ok guy in the magical internet land.
I Can’t Adult. #mood. Oh my Christ. The person that first said this, let’s call her Sarah. Sarah was at work and it wasn’t going well, maybe she spilt coffee on her new Topshop dress that is just like omfg so cute and then maybe she sent a wrong email or maybe she shits her pants I don’t know. The point is Sarah had a bit of a bad day and she’s in the kitchen at work getting a soy latte and a bloody bourbon and somebody is all like “hey Sarah bad day?” Sarah says “I can’t adult today” and then everybody gives Sarah a half laugh but, inside they think how witty and great that expression it is and perhaps they’ll drop it at their cousin’s house warming party in Wolverhampton on Saturday. They drop it at the party, it goes down a treat, the house isn’t just warm it’s on fire with laughter at a grown man saying he can’t adult. Oh what a hilarious concept, behold, here stands a fully grown man, an adult, he has no real choice in the matter yet he boldly proclaims in front of his peers that he is incapable of continuing in his natural adult life and he would quite like to regress to his child like state. All thanks to Sarah from work this man is now a part time comedian. Like a virus this simple joke spreads across the country achieving its own hash tag status and generating memes faster that Kerry Katona pops out children. The nation is taken by storm as it also realises IT CANNOT ADULT. Oh the joy and wonder as we see Robert from our year 6 form group also cannot adult and we all sit liberated by the concept that people in our universe no longer want to adult as we no longer want to adult. You bunch of twats. This is redundant. How brilliant of you to use a noun as a verb, how brilliant of you to exclaim your chronic dissatisfaction with adult life, how brilliant of you. Clap clap clap. Stop it. stop it now. you’re all better than this I promise. One day you will make a joke and people will laugh. I promise this day will come, but uselessly recycling pointless sentences does not achieve and respect from your peers it just makes you look like a cock sock.
I’ve had a pizza. Based on the current research into a nations obsession with pizza according to the information provided on social media in 2016. The increasing rates in obsession with pizza and the pertinence of pizza within the lives of the younger generation, okalrightalready predicts that by 2020 the people of Britain will be bumbling between pizza hut and dominoes uselessly gobbling pizza one after another whilst dressed entirely in pizza themed clothing and the only hashtags left will be #pizza or #wheresmypizza. People will no longer create children or have a bath or any other normal person things because they are all too busy eating fancy cheese on toast. The world comes to a standstill as the people making the pizza no longer wish to share the pizza and start just standing mouth a-gasp at the end of the endless pizza convey-a-belt consuming pizza until they explode. Now, we would hope that this isn’t the real future and instead just an excellent idea for a movie. However, you little knob heads are out there screaming from the rooftops that PIZZA IS LIFE. PIZZA IS BAE. PIZZA IS MY SEXUAL PARTNER. PIZZA RAPED MY UNCLE. Maybe not the last one. If pizza did rape your uncle then you should talk to the police. Seriously stop reading this and start talking to the police. This was going somewhere; each paragraph always has a point. the point is, pizza rape is real and we need to protect ourselves. No the point is; yes, pizza is good. Pizza tastes nice and it is sliced and the toppings are diced and rhyming when talking about food makes the food better and I think that’s why you all like it so much right? But you don’t have to bang on about it. it isn’t really cool. Just cause you like a food you aren’t a better person. People walking around with pizza t-shirts that’s ridiculous. You know what would be cool a t-shirt with mash potato on it. Now that is so fucking vogue it’s unreal. We get it you like pizza but do you need to post a picture of pizza looking bedsheets and say bed goals. Have a pizza, have ten pizzas, sexually molest a member of your extended family with a pizza. But don’t brag about it like it makes you cool, cause the first two examples make you look like a twat and the last example gets you in jail.
I’m a politician. Well this is obvious and maybe this is a moot point. although, it must be said in recent months the country and world is alive with political tension. This has led to everybody believing that they are the next big thing in politics. The people of Facebook have spoken! David Cameron is a fuck wit. Jeremy Corbyn looks like that guy from Star Wars. Brexit is an amusing play on words. Nigel Farage is a wanker. All points, all made so eloquently. It’s great to have an opinion on the country and its excellent that you have a place to share these views with a girl you dated in 2008 for a few weeks. However, please make sure that your political theories have some relevance or are at least based in fact. It’s quite common to see entirely misquoted memes be shared across social media and this is actually a bit scary. You lot are all doing voting on things based on a random fucking picture with some words on it. let that settle in to you head and maybe have a slice of pizza so you can capably “adult” again. People of social media unite and repeat after me. I will do some fucking research and not rely completely on funny images that people post. I will form opinions based on fact and not completely on power terms brandished by idealistic newly qualified teachers. I will think about things and not just regurgitate YouTube videos. I will not consistently spam my online friends with petitions that mean nothing and have been created for the creator’s notoriety. I will not rape my uncle with pizza.
There should be a fourth thing. There are lots of other things. I haven’t got time for this shit ok. I can’t adult today, I have to go and eat pizza because I can’t afford anything else cause the fucking Tories put the tax up or something. Pizza is bae. You shall be left with this final thought. Try and have a go at being an alright person ok, it isn’t that hard not to be a cock sock, before you post something have a little look at it and think “does this make me look like a cock sock”. Have a nice day, looking forward to hearing about it on twitter and seeing pictures of it on Instagram and screaming about it into the empty void that is my life.