Why are people I’d forgotten about messaging me and what do they want all the time?

Sometimes things don’t appear to have a point. Despite the word pointless being a great way of describing something you don’t like, and the show Pointless being an obvious double entendre, most things usually, in fact almost always have a point. one thing that absolutely always has a point is a Facebook message from the ghost of Christmas past. Well not Christmas past. Just the past but, the ghost of the past isn’t a reference to a well-known piece of literature it’s just a sentence and sentences without references to things are pointless. Did you see that coming? Too easy. Now back to the point, the point is that everybody Is having a little message of people they haven’t spoken to in years, our inboxes filled to the brim with unsolicited social niceties that appear harmless yet contain a sense of impending and all-consuming doom. The doom of not knowing/waiting for the point. well, this post can’t tell you exactly the point of all of these messages because some of them may be obscure, everything can’t be put into a neat little box for you idiots all the time, grow the hell up. This post can however, tell you a few of the more common ones so that when you receive a message from the past you can go some way to deciphering its intentions. Put on a pointy hat and some pointy shoes, point your cursor at the scroll down thing on the side of your screen because this information promises not to disap-point. Too easy again.

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Bragging. These messages are usually from and ex or an old friend that secretly hates you. At first you may see their tiny little face as a thumbnail and forget how much of a bell end they are. Don’t feel bad, thumbnails are cunning little fuckers utilized by Zuckerberg specifically so we don’t delete loads of people from our friends list. It’s very difficult to develop feelings of hatred for a tiny little head, on the contrary a big massive image of a face you feel mild contempt for can manifest extreme feelings of anger and or sexual arousal. The conversation will start as they all do with some nice stuff and a few smiley face emoji’s. It will then develop in to a frenzy of swell-headedness, question after question designed purely for its reciprocation so that the bragger may brag until their heart and or erection is content. It will be stories of degrees and their grades, jobs and their wage, holidays and their sunshine and finally the worst of all marathons. The main problem is this is difficult to discover the point of until the bragging is in full swing, once the bragger begins to brag they cannot stop until they are as drunk on bragging as teenagers on WKD.

“The Bang.”  The modern age of thumbnails is very confusing. Thumbnails may not be able to develop hatred but can cause feelings of sexual desire. Being reminded of somebody’s existence via this medium has a devastating effect on the late night libido. The late night libido does not feel shame and is hurried in its actions. This kind of message is often inspired by drunkenness, the sight of that tiny little head just gets the juices flowing all through the veins and gets that naughty little side of you all buzzing and that. These messages can usually be spotted straight away as they will come from a familiar source, a previous lover. On the rare occasion it may come from a failed tinder exploit or a member of a will they won’t they scenario from a job you had three years ago. But mostly the bang can be spotted in plain sight. I’m not saying don’t do the bang, you are the masters of your own bangs. But this is the bang, the small talk is short, the “what you up to?” comes quickly, sparks are flying, spelling eras abundant. Go out there and bang all the exes or old one night stands you want, but beware, it will never fill the void in your heart, only Jesus can do that.

Will you be my girlfriend/boyfriend? It is important that this message is not confused with its distant cousin “The Bang”, because they are entirely different. These messages are not born from lustful thumbnail observations and do not skulk about in the night. These messages are long thought out and usually have an obvious build up. prepare to engage in a game of “like tennis”. Facebook’s constant bombardment of people doing all the stuff and their babies eating things may now and then throw you a curve ball. This curve ball will come in the form of a person from the past that you now deem as a potential mate. “how may I display my new found desire without being forward?” you ask. It’s simple and it happens all the time, all day. You like their pictures, they like your pictures, then you like their status, then they like your ALS ice bucket challenge and then you like their blog or whatever. You get the message. Should have wrote point there, more point based humour. This liking back and forth gives a gentle reminder to the thumbnail of your dreams that you’re there and you dig the things they do and the faces that they show to a camera. Then one of the tennis players will get ballsy. When that message appears a weird past and future combines and you can catch up about all the boring pointless shit you have been doing with your life and then maybe buy a two bed semi and have some horrible kids or whatever the current dynamic that the Tories tell us is normal.

Redemption.  When you were young you were a horrible little prick and you did horrible things all the time and you’re a prick for that still. Because hangovers and old songs remind us that we were horrible pricks and that isn’t nice because usually in the present we think we are ok. (In fact in years to come you’ll be calling this version of yourself a horrible little prick but don’t worry about it. never worry about the present only look to the horrible things you have already done, life isn’t about changing your behaviour it’s about making people feel so awkward they forgive you) There was a TV show called my name is earl. You’ve all seen it but in case somebody hasn’t here is the basic plot.

  • Man did bad stuff to a surprising amount of people
  • Won the lottery, got hit by a car, had an epiphany
  • Spent a few years with his fat stupid brother going about saying sorry for the things and doing loads of weird stuff
  • Also there was a woman that was hot but gross at the same time

Now Earl didn’t have Facebook, we know this because if he did he wouldn’t waste his life doing all the things with his fat brother. Why do all the things earl? Get Facebook and you can experience all you can eat redemption with minimal effort. You can even have a can of lilt whilst you’re doing it. These days’ nostalgia is a big part of our lives because the future is all scary and full of quinoa. So we look back, remember being a horrible little prick and selfishly disturb the lives of those eating quinoa and watching low budget channel four television shows buy messaging them with a half arsed apology for snogging their brother in a co-op or something. Whilst apologies are delightful they are also mostly unnecessary. I mean maybe do a little sorry to the people you stabbed or stole from but you don’t need to send late night apologies for silly things to free yourself from personal guilt. You selfish little knob heads.

 That’s it. That’s four messages, maybe there is more. It doesn’t fucking matter. To conclude, thumbnails-bad. My name is earl-mediocre. ALS ice bucket challenge-entirely irrelevant. Have a nice time messaging people who don’t care about you.

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