Who’s letter box are you pissing through? And other break up advice.

The world is filled with people holding hands and smiling at each other, buying ice-creams for one another and feeding ducks bread. Which by the way hasn’t got any nutritional value for ducks. Take them a blueberry muffin once in a while or something. Anyway, all these people are in love, and love is probably the reason we are alive, if you’re the sentimental type. If you’re not, maybe Pokémon cards is the reason we are alive. But what happens when you’re in love but then that person doesn’t want to see you anymore? And they make you get all your stuff back and delete them from Facebook. Well never fear, because your friendly advice blogger is here to fuck up your shit.duck

Block. I reckon when cavemen and women broke up they didn’t write messages about how much of a wanker they were during their relationship on their walls. And I’m really sure they didn’t run into each others caves late at night to tell them they want to get back together. For this reason, I would like to suggest that it isn’t natural to have constant contact with your Ex after a break up. Stop texting them pictures of your dinner, they didn’t care when you were together and they don’t care now. Stop telling them your dreams, stop telling them you might just kill yourself if they don’t call you back. When a relationship is over, you’ve got to let it go. Block them, delete them, at least for a little while.

You can’t stay friends. I once read a thing somewhere on the internet that if couple manage to stay friends after they break up, then they were never really in love, or they want to get back together. If you are in either of those scenarios and your ex has the same feelings, then well done, stop reading this blog and fuck off to the duck pond. For the rest of us normal folk, the best thing to do is follow the advice above. Give yourself some of that sweet space everybody is always talking about. Maybe start a new hobby, like chess or rap battles.

Revel in the freedom. Enjoy the fact that you can do things you couldn’t do in the confines of the relationship. I’m not talking about having sex with strangers, get your mind out of the gutter. I had a girlfriend once that hated black pepper. I had years of pepper-less meals. After the break up, I had nothing but pepper, on and in everything, it was weirdly satisfying. So yeah have sex with strangers if that’s what you need, but make sure you pepper them first.

Don’t get too reckless. Recklessness and breakups are like love and marriage. “OHH GOD WHY WON’T SHE MARRY ME?”. Recklessness has its place in the world of breakups.

  • Drinking too much
  • Going on a last-minute holiday
  • Having a coffee in the afternoon
  • Sleeping with a different Ex
  • Telling somebody to fuck off
  • Eating garlic bread at 3am
  • Pissing through somebody’s letter box

These are all examples of healthy ways to get those horrible feelings out.

  • Getting a tattoo of any kind
  • Eating raw chicken for a dare
  • Pissing through your own letter box
  • Quitting your job
  • Having sex with a mole hill
  • Buying a cat
  • Eating salad cream at any time of day

These are all examples of naughty ways to get rid of those horrible feelings, that will only result in more horrible feelings and expensive vet bills. Obviously, I can’t list them all, you idiots are gonna have to use your own bloody brains for this. Ask yourself who’s letterbox am I pissing in?

Be a bit selfish, but don’t go full Kardashian. This is your break up. Whether you did the breaking up or were broken up with, remember that you are part of this. Don’t negate your own needs in fear of upsetting your Ex, but also don’t hurt them on purpose. This is a tough one because sometimes it’s hard to not be a real piece of shit. But think about what you want, seriously, and act accordingly. Sometimes it’s tempting to behave like a mouse in a paper bag in these scenarios and just fucking eat the bag and run away. But you’re a grown up, bags don’t have any nutritional value for grownups, give yourself a blueberry muffin once in a while.

I hope that you don’t eat so many muffins that you die, and that you have a life that is kind of ok. Try and remember that nobody ever really loves you and existence is pointless. That’s what keeps me going.

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