Who’s letter box are you pissing through? And other break up advice.

The world is filled with people holding hands and smiling at each other, buying ice-creams for one another and feeding ducks bread. Which by the way hasn’t got any nutritional value for ducks. Take them a blueberry muffin once in a while or something. Anyway, all these people are in love, and love is probably the reason we are alive, if you’re the sentimental type. If you’re not, maybe Pokémon cards is the reason we are alive. But what happens when you’re in love but then that person doesn’t want to see you anymore? And they make you get all your stuff back and delete them from Facebook. Well never fear, because your friendly advice blogger is here to fuck up your shit.duck

Block. I reckon when cavemen and women broke up they didn’t write messages about how much of a wanker they were during their relationship on their walls. And I’m really sure they didn’t run into each others caves late at night to tell them they want to get back together. For this reason, I would like to suggest that it isn’t natural to have constant contact with your Ex after a break up. Stop texting them pictures of your dinner, they didn’t care when you were together and they don’t care now. Stop telling them your dreams, stop telling them you might just kill yourself if they don’t call you back. When a relationship is over, you’ve got to let it go. Block them, delete them, at least for a little while.

You can’t stay friends. I once read a thing somewhere on the internet that if couple manage to stay friends after they break up, then they were never really in love, or they want to get back together. If you are in either of those scenarios and your ex has the same feelings, then well done, stop reading this blog and fuck off to the duck pond. For the rest of us normal folk, the best thing to do is follow the advice above. Give yourself some of that sweet space everybody is always talking about. Maybe start a new hobby, like chess or rap battles.

Revel in the freedom. Enjoy the fact that you can do things you couldn’t do in the confines of the relationship. I’m not talking about having sex with strangers, get your mind out of the gutter. I had a girlfriend once that hated black pepper. I had years of pepper-less meals. After the break up, I had nothing but pepper, on and in everything, it was weirdly satisfying. So yeah have sex with strangers if that’s what you need, but make sure you pepper them first.

Don’t get too reckless. Recklessness and breakups are like love and marriage. “OHH GOD WHY WON’T SHE MARRY ME?”. Recklessness has its place in the world of breakups.

  • Drinking too much
  • Going on a last-minute holiday
  • Having a coffee in the afternoon
  • Sleeping with a different Ex
  • Telling somebody to fuck off
  • Eating garlic bread at 3am
  • Pissing through somebody’s letter box

These are all examples of healthy ways to get those horrible feelings out.

  • Getting a tattoo of any kind
  • Eating raw chicken for a dare
  • Pissing through your own letter box
  • Quitting your job
  • Having sex with a mole hill
  • Buying a cat
  • Eating salad cream at any time of day

These are all examples of naughty ways to get rid of those horrible feelings, that will only result in more horrible feelings and expensive vet bills. Obviously, I can’t list them all, you idiots are gonna have to use your own bloody brains for this. Ask yourself who’s letterbox am I pissing in?

Be a bit selfish, but don’t go full Kardashian. This is your break up. Whether you did the breaking up or were broken up with, remember that you are part of this. Don’t negate your own needs in fear of upsetting your Ex, but also don’t hurt them on purpose. This is a tough one because sometimes it’s hard to not be a real piece of shit. But think about what you want, seriously, and act accordingly. Sometimes it’s tempting to behave like a mouse in a paper bag in these scenarios and just fucking eat the bag and run away. But you’re a grown up, bags don’t have any nutritional value for grownups, give yourself a blueberry muffin once in a while.

I hope that you don’t eat so many muffins that you die, and that you have a life that is kind of ok. Try and remember that nobody ever really loves you and existence is pointless. That’s what keeps me going.

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Why are people I’d forgotten about messaging me and what do they want all the time?

Sometimes things don’t appear to have a point. Despite the word pointless being a great way of describing something you don’t like, and the show Pointless being an obvious double entendre, most things usually, in fact almost always have a point. one thing that absolutely always has a point is a Facebook message from the ghost of Christmas past. Well not Christmas past. Just the past but, the ghost of the past isn’t a reference to a well-known piece of literature it’s just a sentence and sentences without references to things are pointless. Did you see that coming? Too easy. Now back to the point, the point is that everybody Is having a little message of people they haven’t spoken to in years, our inboxes filled to the brim with unsolicited social niceties that appear harmless yet contain a sense of impending and all-consuming doom. The doom of not knowing/waiting for the point. well, this post can’t tell you exactly the point of all of these messages because some of them may be obscure, everything can’t be put into a neat little box for you idiots all the time, grow the hell up. This post can however, tell you a few of the more common ones so that when you receive a message from the past you can go some way to deciphering its intentions. Put on a pointy hat and some pointy shoes, point your cursor at the scroll down thing on the side of your screen because this information promises not to disap-point. Too easy again.

my_name_is_earl_comicstyle_by_pfourdesign-d319fp7

Bragging. These messages are usually from and ex or an old friend that secretly hates you. At first you may see their tiny little face as a thumbnail and forget how much of a bell end they are. Don’t feel bad, thumbnails are cunning little fuckers utilized by Zuckerberg specifically so we don’t delete loads of people from our friends list. It’s very difficult to develop feelings of hatred for a tiny little head, on the contrary a big massive image of a face you feel mild contempt for can manifest extreme feelings of anger and or sexual arousal. The conversation will start as they all do with some nice stuff and a few smiley face emoji’s. It will then develop in to a frenzy of swell-headedness, question after question designed purely for its reciprocation so that the bragger may brag until their heart and or erection is content. It will be stories of degrees and their grades, jobs and their wage, holidays and their sunshine and finally the worst of all marathons. The main problem is this is difficult to discover the point of until the bragging is in full swing, once the bragger begins to brag they cannot stop until they are as drunk on bragging as teenagers on WKD.

“The Bang.”  The modern age of thumbnails is very confusing. Thumbnails may not be able to develop hatred but can cause feelings of sexual desire. Being reminded of somebody’s existence via this medium has a devastating effect on the late night libido. The late night libido does not feel shame and is hurried in its actions. This kind of message is often inspired by drunkenness, the sight of that tiny little head just gets the juices flowing all through the veins and gets that naughty little side of you all buzzing and that. These messages can usually be spotted straight away as they will come from a familiar source, a previous lover. On the rare occasion it may come from a failed tinder exploit or a member of a will they won’t they scenario from a job you had three years ago. But mostly the bang can be spotted in plain sight. I’m not saying don’t do the bang, you are the masters of your own bangs. But this is the bang, the small talk is short, the “what you up to?” comes quickly, sparks are flying, spelling eras abundant. Go out there and bang all the exes or old one night stands you want, but beware, it will never fill the void in your heart, only Jesus can do that.

Will you be my girlfriend/boyfriend? It is important that this message is not confused with its distant cousin “The Bang”, because they are entirely different. These messages are not born from lustful thumbnail observations and do not skulk about in the night. These messages are long thought out and usually have an obvious build up. prepare to engage in a game of “like tennis”. Facebook’s constant bombardment of people doing all the stuff and their babies eating things may now and then throw you a curve ball. This curve ball will come in the form of a person from the past that you now deem as a potential mate. “how may I display my new found desire without being forward?” you ask. It’s simple and it happens all the time, all day. You like their pictures, they like your pictures, then you like their status, then they like your ALS ice bucket challenge and then you like their blog or whatever. You get the message. Should have wrote point there, more point based humour. This liking back and forth gives a gentle reminder to the thumbnail of your dreams that you’re there and you dig the things they do and the faces that they show to a camera. Then one of the tennis players will get ballsy. When that message appears a weird past and future combines and you can catch up about all the boring pointless shit you have been doing with your life and then maybe buy a two bed semi and have some horrible kids or whatever the current dynamic that the Tories tell us is normal.

Redemption.  When you were young you were a horrible little prick and you did horrible things all the time and you’re a prick for that still. Because hangovers and old songs remind us that we were horrible pricks and that isn’t nice because usually in the present we think we are ok. (In fact in years to come you’ll be calling this version of yourself a horrible little prick but don’t worry about it. never worry about the present only look to the horrible things you have already done, life isn’t about changing your behaviour it’s about making people feel so awkward they forgive you) There was a TV show called my name is earl. You’ve all seen it but in case somebody hasn’t here is the basic plot.

  • Man did bad stuff to a surprising amount of people
  • Won the lottery, got hit by a car, had an epiphany
  • Spent a few years with his fat stupid brother going about saying sorry for the things and doing loads of weird stuff
  • Also there was a woman that was hot but gross at the same time

Now Earl didn’t have Facebook, we know this because if he did he wouldn’t waste his life doing all the things with his fat brother. Why do all the things earl? Get Facebook and you can experience all you can eat redemption with minimal effort. You can even have a can of lilt whilst you’re doing it. These days’ nostalgia is a big part of our lives because the future is all scary and full of quinoa. So we look back, remember being a horrible little prick and selfishly disturb the lives of those eating quinoa and watching low budget channel four television shows buy messaging them with a half arsed apology for snogging their brother in a co-op or something. Whilst apologies are delightful they are also mostly unnecessary. I mean maybe do a little sorry to the people you stabbed or stole from but you don’t need to send late night apologies for silly things to free yourself from personal guilt. You selfish little knob heads.

 That’s it. That’s four messages, maybe there is more. It doesn’t fucking matter. To conclude, thumbnails-bad. My name is earl-mediocre. ALS ice bucket challenge-entirely irrelevant. Have a nice time messaging people who don’t care about you.

Are you using social media to send “positive vibes” and is your uncle ok? Vol 2

About this time last year there was lovely Little post called Are you you using social media to send “positive vibes” and is your roast dinner sexy? That was aimed at telling all of you out there how not to be such a massive dick on social media. Maybe some of you listened and for that the world is grateful. But but but we still regularly see examples of humongous fuckery all over the internet place, the place where we tell people all the things that we do. Sometimes you’re doing good things and we’ve discussed that. However, there are some posts that have become “trendy” and these posts are making you look like a cock sock. So here we go again another fucking post about how to be an ok guy in the magical internet land.

pizzaI Can’t Adult. #mood. Oh my Christ. The person that first said this, let’s call her Sarah. Sarah was at work and it wasn’t going well, maybe she spilt coffee on her new Topshop dress that is just like omfg so cute and then maybe she sent a wrong email or maybe she shits her pants I don’t know. The point is Sarah had a bit of a bad day and she’s in the kitchen at work getting a soy latte and a bloody bourbon and somebody is all like “hey Sarah bad day?” Sarah says “I can’t adult today” and then everybody gives Sarah a half laugh but, inside they think how witty and great that expression it is and perhaps they’ll drop it at their cousin’s house warming party in Wolverhampton on Saturday. They drop it at the party, it goes down a treat, the house isn’t just warm it’s on fire with laughter at a grown man saying he can’t adult. Oh what a hilarious concept, behold, here stands a fully grown man, an adult, he has no real choice in the matter yet he boldly proclaims in front of his peers that he is incapable of continuing in his natural adult life and he would quite like to regress to his child like state. All thanks to Sarah from work this man is now a part time comedian. Like a virus this simple joke spreads across the country achieving its own hash tag status and generating memes faster that Kerry Katona pops out children. The nation is taken by storm as it also realises IT CANNOT ADULT. Oh the joy and wonder as we see Robert from our year 6 form group also cannot adult and we all sit liberated by the concept that people in our universe no longer want to adult as we no longer want to adult. You bunch of twats. This is redundant. How brilliant of you to use a noun as a verb, how brilliant of you to exclaim your chronic dissatisfaction with adult life, how brilliant of you. Clap clap clap. Stop it. stop it now. you’re all better than this I promise. One day you will make a joke and people will laugh. I promise this day will come, but uselessly recycling pointless sentences does not achieve and respect from your peers it just makes you look like a cock sock.

 

I’ve had a pizza. Based on the current research into a nations obsession with pizza according to the information provided on social media in 2016. The increasing rates in obsession with pizza and the pertinence of pizza within the lives of the younger generation, okalrightalready predicts that by 2020 the people of Britain will be bumbling between pizza hut and dominoes uselessly gobbling pizza one after another whilst dressed entirely in pizza themed clothing and the only hashtags left will be #pizza or #wheresmypizza. People will no longer create children or have a bath or any other normal person things because they are all too busy eating fancy cheese on toast. The world comes to a standstill as the people making the pizza no longer wish to share the pizza and start just standing mouth a-gasp at the end of the endless pizza convey-a-belt consuming pizza until they explode. Now, we would hope that this isn’t the real future and instead just an excellent idea for a movie. However, you little knob heads are out there screaming from the rooftops that PIZZA IS LIFE. PIZZA IS BAE. PIZZA IS MY SEXUAL PARTNER. PIZZA RAPED MY UNCLE. Maybe not the last one. If pizza did rape your uncle then you should talk to the police. Seriously stop reading this and start talking to the police. This was going somewhere; each paragraph always has a point. the point is, pizza rape is real and we need to protect ourselves. No the point is; yes, pizza is good. Pizza tastes nice and it is sliced and the toppings are diced and rhyming when talking about food makes the food better and I think that’s why you all like it so much right? But you don’t have to bang on about it. it isn’t really cool. Just cause you like a food you aren’t a better person. People walking around with pizza t-shirts that’s ridiculous. You know what would be cool a t-shirt with mash potato on it. Now that is so fucking vogue it’s unreal. We get it you like pizza but do you need to post a picture of pizza looking bedsheets and say bed goals. Have a pizza, have ten pizzas, sexually molest a member of your extended family with a pizza. But don’t brag about it like it makes you cool, cause the first two examples make you look like a twat and the last example gets you in jail.

I’m a politician. Well this is obvious and maybe this is a moot point. although, it must be said in recent months the country and world is alive with political tension. This has led to everybody believing that they are the next big thing in politics. The people of Facebook have spoken! David Cameron is a fuck wit. Jeremy Corbyn looks like that guy from Star Wars. Brexit is an amusing play on words. Nigel Farage is a wanker. All points, all made so eloquently. It’s great to have an opinion on the country and its excellent that you have a place to share these views with a girl you dated in 2008 for a few weeks. However, please make sure that your political theories have some relevance or are at least based in fact. It’s quite common to see entirely misquoted memes be shared across social media and this is actually a bit scary. You lot are all doing voting on things based on a random fucking picture with some words on it. let that settle in to you head and maybe have a slice of pizza so you can capably “adult” again. People of social media unite and repeat after me. I will do some fucking research and not rely completely on funny images that people post. I will form opinions based on fact and not completely on power terms brandished by idealistic newly qualified teachers. I will think about things and not just regurgitate YouTube videos. I will not consistently spam my online friends with petitions that mean nothing and have been created for the creator’s notoriety. I will not rape my uncle with pizza.

There should be a fourth thing. There are lots of other things. I haven’t got time for this shit ok. I can’t adult today, I have to go and eat pizza because I can’t afford anything else cause the fucking Tories put the tax up or something. Pizza is bae. You shall be left with this final thought. Try and have a go at being an alright person ok, it isn’t that hard not to be a cock sock, before you post something have a little look at it and think “does this make me look like a cock sock”. Have a nice day, looking forward to hearing about it on twitter and seeing pictures of it on Instagram and screaming about it into the empty void that is my life.

Opinions, are they the same as Minions? How not to care what other people think.

Opinions. They´re everywhere. Much like their rhyming cousin Minions. They’re also everywhere in the form of memes and emotional quotes that have no reference to Minions. Minions are like opinions-all over the place and not always relevant or helpful. However unlike opinions, Minions rarely have any effect whatsoever on the way in which the people on the receiving end of the minions lead their lives. Opinions however are dangerous; opinions, comments, thoughts, statements all those things that people start giving out all the time without rhyme or reason, they’re all dangerous. This is not a post telling people not to have opinions. Far from it. This is here to tell y’all how to not care about what people think or have to say about what you are doing. But hold up there cowboys! (and cowgirls of course, you are all equally important) if you are a naughty type of person that likes stealing things or kicking dogs and people keep having a go at you about it all the time, don’t read this and feel empowered and do more kicking dogs. Just don’t kick dogs ok. This here is a bit of advice on how to lead the life you want (as long as it isn’t harmful to others or dogs) without being worried about what all the other twats have to say.minion

The way you look. Human beings have been having a good look at themselves for a really long time. I’m sure the first person to have a look at themselves in the reflection of a river couldn’t stop staring at themselves for a whole afternoon. What a lovely afternoon that would have been, the discovery of your own face. These days however if I stare at myself all afternoon I get called vain and self-obsessed and fired from my job. That wasn’t the point. These days we are all much more self-aware, and with this comes self-consciousness. Now we all have different faces and bodies and we’ve known that for ages. (if you didn’t already know that then you have been staring at your own reflection for years and nobody has ever stopped you, why is this the first thing you’ve read? Go and read something better like Matilda.) There are some people that are going to want to say mean things to you about your face and body parts. Maybe you’ve said some mean things about other people’s face and body parts yourself. Unfortunately, everybody is a bit of a bell end deep down and you are going to get called a pointy nosed twat once in a while, that’s life. You can’t just go around getting nose jobs all the time, it’s not economically possible for most people. So how do we deal with the issue, I know you’ve been waiting ages for the secret formula. Maybe It’s something bullshit like “love the skin you’re in” or “beauty is only skin deep”. Whilst those things are idealistic and correct, it would be brilliant to love the skin you’re in all the time, but most of us don’t like our own skin sometimes, it’s a volatile relationship one has with their own skin. If you are unhappy with the way you look, maybe you look like a troll and you’re
not a troll. (if you are a troll ignore this bit, you’re wonderful the way you are.) If there are changes you can make to your body that would make YOU happy (YOU, is capitalised on purpose for emphasis ok?), then by all means have a little change, But if you just get a bit insecure sometimes because somebody makes you feel bad based on their perception of body image then it’s as simple as this. Yo fuck that person. Don’t have sex with them, that’s weird. Unless it’s like a primary school will they won’t they, saying nasty things cause they secretly like each other, in that case yes maybe have sex with Robert from work. But if it is a standard human being, being mean because you don’t fit in with their personal standards then wipe that mother fucker out of your life. If, on the other hand it is somebody you’re in love with or in a relationship with and they are putting you down about your weight or pulling your ears out and laughing at family parties. Then that person does not deserve your time. I don’t know how love works all the time but I do know that when you love somebody truly you love them all over and even when they look really different upside down. Now if you keep dying your hair all the time and your partner is worried that your hair might fall out and says stop dying your hair, that may still be love cause people in love get worried about shit. But if they just tell you your hair is stupid all the time tell them to piss off.

So when it come to the things you can or can’t change about your body here are the key points

  • If the changes are for your own reasons, then go for it.
  • If you are trying to change to fit the agenda of somebody else that is not in line with your own, then stop doing that. Just stop doing that.
  • If somebody says they love you and then calls you a fat twat and pushes you over, they don’t love you how you should be loved. So stop giving them hand jobs or whatever.
  • If somebody that has no impact on your life but simply exists within it, i.e. a work colleague or somebody you see in a bar, says something mean about the way you look then cut them out of your life. If you can’t cut them out shut them out, cause ultimately opinions don’t count if you don’t have connection with the person more than just their existence
  • Finally, I’d like to say that you’re all beautiful to me. But that isn’t true. We all have our own perceptions
    of beauty and just because you aren’t everybody’s cup of tea doesn’t mean you aren’t somebody’s tequila sunrise. Wow that was profound I hope that ends up on a minion meme.

The way you dress. Lots of the same points as above here. So if you only care about not caring about what people think about the way you dress and have skipped to this part. Don’t be a dick read the whole blog. Most things are only relevant in context, we learnt that in the introduction because of the minion thing, which you now don’t get because you skipped to this part, you are an idiot. Anyhow, the way you dress is slightly different because you have complete control over that. I would also like you to consider, hairstyles, tattoos, make up and all that other fun stuff in this section. There is no doubt that music and films and general life has a huge impact on what we think is wicked and cool and bad ass. That being said you still have a choice. The things that one person thinks are wicked and cool and badass are not the same as others and we know that don’t we people who read the first part of the blog. It’s interesting because the way we present ourselves can give an insight into the way we think and feel about things like music and stuff. One can assume that a goth likes heavy metal and that a “Roadman” (I hope writing that has mad this blog seem hip and up to date, bae.) likes spitting at buses. But these things aren’t always true, sometimes people just like the clothes they wear. Now you have a choice here, remember you can dress however you want whenever you want. If you want to be a clown all the time, be a bloody clown but for god’s sakes own that shit. You get to make all your own choices (unless your Amish or on a reality TV show) and if you want to do something you should do it with pride. Don’t dress to fit in, dress in what you like. Don’t get a tattoo just because your mate got one and you thought that you should get a dragon tattoo. Don’t get a dragon tattoo because of the girl with the dragon tattoo, that’s ridiculous. Go out there and have a bit of the life you want and have it how you want. If somebody says your clothes are stupid, then that’s just another person you don’t need in your life. It’s like a process, you can weed out all the people not suited to being your friend or lover by dressing how you like and if they like that then they might like the same things as you. Even if they don’t then at least you can learn stuff from them and wear your wicked and cool and badass clothes whilst you’re doing it. so here it is, the secret, wear what you want and be happy that you live in a country that lets you do that.

Ok quick break. The first two were superficial but important. Now its gonna get heavy. Bring the beat in.

Relationships. A wise woman (my mum) once said don’t get involved in other people’s relationships because they will make up with each other before they make up with you. Thanks mum. The problem with people’s views on your relationships is that they don’t know how it feels to be in it. They get snapshots and sometimes snapchats, little tiny pictures of you and your lover doing things. Nothing creepy. But your friends and family are the ones that hear about the arguments and the door slamming. That’s because we only really talk about things when we are upset and need advice. It would be dreadful if everybody went around describing their relationships in great detail all the time. “So me and Robert finally got together and yesterday he made me spaghetti and gave me a back rub and sometimes he do
es the shopping online and he tells me he loves me” fair play to Robert, he seems nice but that shit is boring. All the nice things get overlooked and that’s cool, it’s the premise of life. Nobody would watch coronation street if Steve wasn’t banging away with different women all the time but instead taking care of the first one and going for picnics. It is also worth noting that negativity outshines positivity sometimes. Nobody will remember the flowers and jelly beans but they will remember the crying and not putting the seat down. When it comes to your own relationships people will always have something
to say and by no means am I suggesting that they don’t have your best interests at heart, but I would suggest that when it comes to this you should go with how you feel and not how your grandma feels. But do visit your grandma as often as you can cause usually grandmas are nice. If you have a skanky ass grandma that throws stuff at you and says racist things, still visit her but be careful.

Interests and views. This is a tough one. Because you should consider often other people’s interests and views, that’s how you learn and build your own. However, you should not start changing how you feel about things to fit in or make things easier. There is some quote somewhere about being passionate about the things we love because that’s the meaning of life or something. Whatever it was, it means, do something because you really love it and want to. Don’t waste time not doing all the stuff you like because other people don’t like it. if you like making Minion quotes then make a shit tonne of them and post them all over the internet. If you like kites then fly kites, if you like getting black out drunk and waking up at a stranger’s house then that’s ok too. Be careful with the second on though because kites are dangerous. Going back to an earlier point if something is making you truly happy and isn’t a danger to yourself or those around you then you should just do it. do all of it. keep doing it until you get fed up or die. That’s what life is about according to a quote I can’t remember. If you’re a liberal or a tory, a vegetarian or a hunter, a Muslim or Christian or scientologist or all of the other religions that are extremely important and acknowledged but I don’t want to type them all. If those things are your views and thats what you believe in. then believe in it all, just do a journey and don’t stop believing. This is the important part though, don’t start making other people feel bad if they don’t agree with you because that makes you a dick bag.

Finally let’s end with some general tips
for not caring about minions or opinions but always caring about Matilda. I think that was the point. anyway we must press on.

  • There are loads of dickbags and they are gonna say stuff no matter what you do, even if you please one dickbag by changing, you’ll piss off some other dick bag. Just have a little go at doing what you want.
  • Do what makes you happy as much as you can, as long as it doesn’t upset your grandma even if she does throw racist things at you.
  • Don’t be racist even if it upsets your grandma
  • Its ok to have an opinion and it is mostly useful but don’t make people feel shitty cause of your opinion.
  • If you fall in love don’t let them tell you what you should look like or behave like. People should love you for you. That one was for you trolls.
  • Always read blogs from the start or the writer might pre-empt your reading ahead
    and then humiliate you within the blog.
  • Don’t stare at yourself in the mirror for the whole afternoon unless you’ve just discovered your face.

I would like to conclude this by saying that everybody should just do what they want and if they find people that want to do what they want to then that’s great. If you don’t want to do what somebody wants, then don’t do it. But the rules of this are very important, doing what you want is ok as long as you don’t kick dogs or be a dick bag about it.

Hope you liked this post, or whatever. I don’t care.

Dealing with dickheads. Vol 1

There are a lot of people in the world. Like 7 billion. 7 billion bumbling idiots running around doing all the stuff. you’re one of those idiots. (unless you’re a robot or a really smart dog on the internet. If you are please email me because I’d love to make friends with a really smart dog.) Having a positive outlook on life will make most of the idiots you come across at least tolerable. Some of them you might even like enough to go for a burrito with. However, there are some exceptional wank stains out there. I’m not just talking about Draco Malfoy and all his mates. I’m talking about people you will come across on a daily basis, what we have here, is a lovely list of dickheads and how to deal with them.nutella

The Person who thinks life is like school. Some people value the social hierarchy of school till the day they die. These little bean heads will be chasing popularity in the nursing home. I’m sure you have met one of these in the work place. Perhaps you’ve told a really good joke and Mary from accounts is having a right good chuckle and this gets the person who thinks life is like school all riled up and angry. You can see they are angry, they’ve gone all red faced and sulky, but because life isn’t like school they can’t just put you in a bin and roll you down a hill like they used to. That kind of shit gets you in the HR office. The person who thinks life is like school will usually do one of three things

  1. Spread a rumour that you had intercourse with a jar of Nutella
  2. Make up a lie that you were smoking oregano and tell your manager
  3. Try to turn everybody against you by saying you made up a rumour that they had intercourse with a jar of Nutella and then be really nice to your face.

These things are just some examples and there may be some variables, perhaps it will be marmite not Nutella, or some other rumour all together. Either way the point stands. This vicious little sack of shit will try and undercut you just cause Mary liked your joke.

So how do we deal with the person who thinks life is like school?

It’s a tough one because rumours about intercourse with jarred goods are difficult to shake off. The only thing you can do with this person is confront them directly. Not all aggressive. Don’t shove them and get fired and then blame me. I would suggest you say something like, “have I done something to upset you?” this is much more passive than its counterpart “have you got a problem?” the person that thinks life is like school is usually frightened by you bringing their behaviour to light. The person that thinks life is like school is a sneaky soul so being exposed or found out is like having your mum phoned by a teacher. That’s their weak spot, their Achilles heel. Get them where it hurts. Then go home and celebrate with Nutella on toast.

The traveling pants. This person went somewhere. It doesn’t have to be like a weird trip around Asia. Maybe they went to Ibiza for the summer or some other long holiday/self-exploration journey. The travelling pants always has a story that is just like yours but in a different country.

The Travelling pants: “How was your weekend matey?”

(of course the travelling pants uses the term matey)

You: “Really good thanks, I went bowling with a really smart dog I met on the internet”

(We know you’re out there dog.)

The travelling pants: “oh yeah, once I went bowling in Singapore with a dog that could dance and smoke weed and the dog ate a whole watermelon whilst I wore a Singaporean princess’s trousers on a beach at sunset. Did I tell you I went to Singapore?”

So how do we deal with the travelling pants?

If possible the best thing to do is cut the travelling pants out of your life and take a nap. Naps are always good, especially after you’ve cut somebody out of your life. Although, sometimes you can’t just cut people out of your life, maybe they’ll win the lottery and you won’t get any cause of all the cutting out of your life you did to them. So dealing with the traveling pants is easy. Every time the travelling pants tells you a story, simply tell them you’ve already heard it. say something like “ahh yeah you told me that at Deborah’s wedding” people hate forgetting they’ve already told a story its fucking humiliating. Make sure you tell them where you heard the story, it’s those kind of details that make you look like you have a really good memory. Everybody is jealous of really good memories.

Corn Flakes. Its Friday night and you wanna cut loose, get foot loose and something else, moose. I don’t know. Anyway, you’ve made plans with just one person. Corn flakes. Corn flakes is a nice person and good fun, you and corn flakes have had some smashing times. You and corn flakes once got drunk and egged your ex’s house. Good old corn flakes. But the problem is, this person, this corn flaky person, is flaky and always cancels plans. If you make plans with just corn flakes you can bet your house they will call ten minutes before your BNO (that’s big night out for all you mums reading this) and say that they got hit with a stick by an angry brazilian gentlemen on the way home from work. All the excuses, all of the time. It’s hard being friends with corn flakes. All those nights with cancelled plans, how many times have you had pizza alone because of corn flakes? It’s not right. It’s not right.

So how do we deal with corn flakes?

Corn flakes is a toughy. Because all things considered, corn flakes is fun and you want to spend time with them. The best thing to do with our Kellogg’s friend is to make plans with them to go out in groups, or only see them on the spur of the moment when you are both up for it. making plans in advance with this person could spoil your whole weekend. Nobody wants a spoilt weekend. Everybody just wants a good time and a nap afterward.

So cool it hurts. This person takes themselves very seriously. They probably have two leather jackets and brew their own beer. They probably use a camera with film and eat food from a van with a man with a beard and a nan. Everybody’s got a nan, or had a nan at some point. I just got carried away because rhyming is infectious. I hope you catch the rhyme virus and we can live in a world full of doctor Zeus’. Anyway, so cool it hurts. Their partner is a librarian or something that is so boring its cool, and they are in a band that is just three guys throwing eggs at a tin bowl. I know what you’re thinking, this person can also be the travelling pants. If you meet travelling pants so cool they hurt. Kill it. kill it so it doesn’t breed. That is a particular kind of douchebag the world cannot deal with. Just kill it and go to prison for a while for the good of the rest of us. We will all send you Nutella in to prison, because somebody told us you really like it. really like it. I digress, so cool it hurts is really into looking weird, listening to unknown noises on a record player and retro porn. I know nobody reading this would choose to have a friend like this. You probably know so cool it hurts because one of your other friends brings them to your outings and they complain because pizza express is too mainstream. Don’t you dare say shit about pizza express their marketing is incredible and the pizza is fantastic.

So how do we deal with so cool it hurts?

Well you only have to see them on the odd occasion, so the best thing to do is just enjoy it. say things that will purposefully wind them up like;

“Robbie Williams’ rudebox album was a classic.”

“Tony blair was a good chap”

“throwing eggs in a tin bowl is not music”

“I heard you had sex with a jar of Nutella.”

Things like that will make so cool it hurts extremely angry and maybe they’ll go home or to some bar underground with a budgie and everybody dresses like it’s a coal mine and they all eat pasties and drink home brew out of flasks. If anybody thinks that’s a good Idea for a bar, holla at me y’all lets go into business. If not just forget I said anything ok.

 

It’s such a good feeling to give such good advice all the time. I hope having read this you will go away and meet the guy/or girl of your dreams and just have a fuck load of fat children. That wasn’t the point of this advice. That’s something different entirely, something I am not qualified to give anybody advice on. What I do hope is that you’ll spend less time with these idiots and more time taking naps with really smart dogs. There that ought to do it.

 

Taking care of your candle correctly. False adulthood Advice.

One of these days, or perhaps it’s happened already. One of these days, you are going wake up and people are going to look at you all funny. People are going to expect you to be serious, and to get stuff done all the time. These people aren’t getting stuff done all the time. These people aren’t being serious all the time. Well at least I don’t think they are. This is because I am not. I am a pretend adult. This post is going to teach all of you donuts how to get through life by doing just enough, so you may appear all adulty, without losing all that fun laziness that you were put on this god-forsaken earth to enjoy.

candle

Let’s start with food. We all love a bit of food don’t we? That’s because we need it so we don’t die. That’s your first piece of advice; Eat or you will die. As we grow older people start giving you funny looks if all you eat are Findus crispy pancakes and potato waffles. That judgemental middle-class-only-working-two-days-a-week-just-to-get-out-of-the house-bitch that works at the co-op will give you some funny old looks if you buy smiley face potatoes, she might even have the audacity to ask you how old your “little one is” she knows you don’t have a little one. People with little ones don’t wear fake Ray Bans a
nd curry stained jeans to the co-op on a rainy Saturday morning. People with little ones stay at home and shout and be frightened. Don’t they? When pretending to be an adult you have to take the little victories. The vi
ctories that only you (Maybe your partner as well, if they are even that interested in little victories, actually I have cracked it haven’t I? That’s what love is. Finding somebody that enjoys the same little victories as you do.) know about. Things like eating fancy pasta and fancy pesto straight out of your Ikea pan when nobody is around.

“What did you have for lunch today?”

“Oh just some organic dairy free pesto on some whole wheat pasta”

“That sounds lovely”

“Yeah it was so good I ate it straight out of the pan”

“What?”

“Nothing James, Another pint of the microbrew is it?”

You get to sit at home with a spoon and a pan and think “I AM THE MASTER OF THE FANCY FOOD AND ALL OF ITS MINIONS; I CARE SO LITTLE I SHOVEL IT OUT OF THE PLACE IT WAS MADE HOT. None of you serious adult food persons will ever know of my atrocities.”

 

Mild knowledge. Part of being an adult is being interested in things that other adults find to be Important and fun. Like which bank offers the best interest rate? Which supermarkets bananas are the most yellow? Why are supermarkets bananas so yellow? Is it all the pesticides? What’s happening to our bananas? I’m going to get my bananas from somewhere else. In fact I am quite interested in bananas, and their roles and responsibilities in a modern society. But that’s just me. One thing that nobody is interested in, is interest rates which is weird because the words are the same. NATWEST: Getting you interested in interest rates. You’re welcome Natwest for your future marketing plan. So as a fake adult you need to think about bananas less and interest rates more. I think. No, no that wasn’t the point. The aim of this paragraph was to tell you that unless you meet a particularly boring person most people only know a little bit about these adult topics like tax bands and what todays date is? So just learn a little about a few boring things and then people will think you’re all grown up. Also just look at today’s date every now and then, because that way you get to be the smug date knower, and that’s a great job.

Weekend plans. If you want to be an adult it isn’t about changing your plans at the weekend. It’s about changing the way you tell people your plans or what you did. Here are a few examples

“Got so drunk, I passed out on my friend’s living room floor”

Becomes:

“Had a few glasses of wine and got an early night”

And

“I stayed in bed all day and watched David Attenborough documentaries”

Is now:

“I got some well needed rest. Did you see Human Planet?”

Finally

“Stayed out late, woke up, and realised I’d wet the bed.”

Can be:

“There is nothing quite like fresh bed linen is there.”

All of this basic re-phasing will make people believe you’re more sensible than a travel iron, and more grown up than Daniel Radcliff now, compared to when we saw him in the first film. Oh isn’t it brilliant to see him flourishing as an adult. Good luck Daniel.

The Home. This one is really important. If you keep your home clean and add a few adult items, then people will come over and say “oh aren’t you an adult” or something along those lines. You will be like yeah I am look at my plant mum. I got distracted writing this. Probably by something really adult like a French film. So I forgot where this was going. Damn adulthood. Pre European cinema me was probably going to say something about hoovering. What is it about hoovering? Oh yeah, hoovering, just do it. Vacuuming: Nothing is impossible. Those phases seem familiar and out of context but still relevant. I’m not saying do all of the house work all of the time, cause that’s fucking bullshit and you’ll never take my advice again cause you’ll be two busy re-grouting your tiles to read my posts. But do have a bash at a few jobs a week. Hoovering is the easiest unless your house is huge. If you have a huge house ask yourself why you’re reading this post, what are you trying to escape from? Hoovering is just pushing something around really isn’t it, although once it’s done you don’t get detention like you did when you pushed people around at school. What you get is nothing really. It’s what you don’t get. What you don’t get is people leaving your house when they come round for chai tea saying something like “those carpets had crumbs all over them, remind me never to send them a Christmas card, they’ll probably have their dinner off it.” Step 2, get some adult looking shit. Adult looking shit includes but is not limited to;

Candles shaped like things that aren’t candles.

Olive oil in a glass bottle.

Plants that look hard to take care of. (Nobody thinks cacti are impressive anymore)

Lamps.

Candles that look like candles.

Books (try and read a few in case some busy-body starts saying shit about them, you don’t want to look like a fool.)

Wine that isn’t just called red wine. Get a wine with its own name. I like Shiraz, it ends with a Z and that sounds like it’s a leftover slang from the text speak era.

Candles that smell like things you’ve smelt somewhere else and wouldn’t expect a candle to smell like.

Having read all that I truly believe you can make it out there in the big wide world of fake adults and strictly come dancing. If you are really good at faking adulthood you may have just skim read this, and I don’t care, that just means you’re already showing promise. But just in case somebody I know shows you this and you want to look like you care about what I wrote and prove you can read really well, here is a summary. Go out there and get yourself a candle.  Seriously get yourself a bloody candle. You don’t even have to light it, or feed it, or walk it or anything really. It’s not a dog. It’s just a candle. But don’t light it and leave it unattended. The same goes for dogs too.

Are you you using social media to send “positive vibes” and is your roast dinner sexy?

Welcome to the new age, a place of endless fun like candy crush and stalking exes from a mutual friends Facebook account in the dark eating beans straight out of the tin on a Wednesday. A place where we can all share the important things in life with everybody we fucking know ever, all by poking our chubby grubby stubby fingers at a little rectangle we keep in our pockets. (Or bras for you sassy ladies out there, you know who you are.) The IMPORTANT things that nobody would want to miss. The real moments that people you consider extras in the movie of your life couldn’t do without. The kind of things that you think give these “extras” of your life “positive vibes” or whatever douchey turn of phrase you narcissistic pricks are using right now. “But luke you are literally writing a blog and hoping people will approve and tell you nice things so that in 2 weeks from now you can completely forget about it but occasionally bring it up at parties when your drunk so your life looks like it might be going somewhere. Isn’t that narcissism at its highest degree?” I hear you saying this as you read my writing and complaining about you and the answer to your question is fuck you. Get your own blog and moan about me. Anyway back to the point. Here is a list of ways you might be looking like a show off on Twitterbook and Snapagram.

social

Let’s start with food posts shall we. Now food posts I do like a bit, maybe too much. Sometimes it’s nice to eat your morning cereal whilst staring longingly and somebody you met in a club in 2011’s low fat low carb breakfast in Hong Kong. I for one think that if you have made yourself something fantastic or difficult for dinner at home and nobody is around to share it with you then you should certainly force 500 strangers and 10 close friends to look at it. That way you get the sense of achievement that making nice food for yourself deserves. I also think if you’ve been working all hard and earning “Dat paper” and you and Susan (your latest 7/10 lady friend) decide to go somewhere spectacular and out of the ordinary for dinner, then hell I don’t mind seeing the picture. But here it is. DO NOT FUCKING POST PICTURES OF A PIZZA EXPRESS! Everybody knows what a pizza looks like, everybody knows what a pizza express pizza looks like. We all know what the menu looks like. I get it pizza is cool and really photogenic and now you can by sweet ass pencil cases that say I love pizza. But the point I’m trying to make is that chain restaurant food is not worthy of Instagram. However the worst sin of all is if you are a shit cook. Like a really shit cook and you make a weird roast dinner with sweet corn on it or something and the roast potatoes look all pale and sad like a snowman when he sees the sun come out. Then don’t post a picture it has the opposite mood to the one you’re trying to set, if you are trying to wet my appetite you are dead wrong, you’ve wet the toilet bowel with the contents of my stomach. You’ve made me sick, if you didn’t get that. Some meals almost never look good in pictures, like roast dinners. Roast dinners are that girl whose photos you have to keep going through before you meet her to check if she is really attractive or not. Roast dinners are always good, they look good in person, they have a great personality but they just aren’t always good in photos. Next time just eat your roast dinner and meet that person whose photos you’re not sure about. Because I can tell you right now nobody cares about your life. Except your mum probably, cause mums are really cool. You should call your mum.

When you were younger did your parents ever go on holiday? I bet they did parents love holidays. When they got back I’m sure they made you look through all of their terrible photos and told you all about that bruschetta they had. Whilst you shovel salt and vinegar chip sticks into your mouth and try to feign interest. Well when you go on holiday now you post 50 pictures of you and Dave having a great time in Crete. What you are doing is exactly the same as your parents but you aren’t providing everybody with chip sticks. Truth be told Dave is pretty cool and I wouldn’t mind seeing how his holiday went. But why not just give us the highlights. 5 photos, 5 top quality phots.

You and Dave on the beach,

You and Dave having a cocktail,

Yours and Dave’s bruschetta,

Yours and Dave’s legs by the pool

And maybe one of Dave having a beer at the airport next to a clock at some crazy time like 9am cause Dave is a fucking bad ass.

That will do. That’s all we need to know that Dave had a great time in Crete and that you were also there. If everybody shared their holiday in this way then I could scroll through Facebook knowing that the Daves of the world are all enjoy there 4 weeks paid holiday a year and that will give me “positive vibes”

But how about dogs and babies? Recently I became an uncle, so now looking at babies isn’t so scary and actually sometimes cute. So ladies and gentlemen of social media that have a little version of them that they want to show us, go ahead let’s have a look at what took you 2 minutes to make and nine months to grow because you have my attention. However you have my attention about once a week, somewhere like a Thursday afternoon I don’t mind seeing a baby. I do not want to see you rugrat 17 times a day. What you don’t realise is that your child eating a cucumber isn’t as cute as you think. Actually whilst we are here, children with ice cream round their mouth is vile so just stop those ones altogether please. On to dogs and all animals I suppose. I would like to see pictures of your pet 17 times a day. People with pets you aren’t posting enough. Take a leaf out of the new mum book and just go bat shit crazy with your pet pictures, especially puppies. If you’ve got a puppy stop being so greedy with its cuteness. Send me the pictures directly if you don’t want to annoy that guy that is scared of dogs. If you want to spread “positive vibes” then pet pictures are the way to do this.

Why don’t you use google? You know who you are, you people choosing to ask you Facebook friends questions that google can answer without being at all put out because it is search engine that has zero feelings and never gets tired of dealing with your bullshit. “Hi guys does anybody know where I can buy a decent egg timer?” all it does is make you look like a fool. Is that what you want to look like a fool that doesn’t know what google is? Because that is how you look like a fool that doesn’t know what google is. As I’m scrolling through and I see your ridiculous question “anybody know where does breakfast off the a5? At first I take delight in you foolishness but then after I feel a bit sorry for you. Feeling sorry for you isn’t “positive vibes”! It’s the opposite. That is negative vibes, the worst kind of vibes. All because you don’t know how to google.

Stop selling shit. If I wanted to be surprised the desire for something I never knew I wanted I would spend every afternoon in Ikea. I know that now there are Facebook groups for selling stuff and that is cool and forward thinking. So if you want to buy and sell stuff you can go there and see if the stuff you own has any real value or you can buy a tennis racket that needs a new grip. But may I remind you that we already had a place full of other peoples unwanted shit. It’s called eBay. Oh my, it’s fantastic go there and sell you iPhone with a broken screen Tracy!

That’s it, well I think that’s it but I can’t tell because I forgot to take a picture of my dog near the jacket potato I had for lunch on the plate I was going to sell on Facebook whilst I was in Prague, does anybodyknow where I can get a decent time machine? People who have bothered to read this are now probably expecting me to round this all off with something cool and dangerous. But I’m not going to do that.

Dont get all drunk and start making things weird as well as other totally cool relationship advice.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re… no wait sorry. Life is like a box of shit. You always know what you’re going to get and it’s always shit in a box. But maybe you’ve met somebody that makes your humble box of shit not so bad. If you have, you’re probably going to want to keep that person around for a while. But how do you get a person to stay with you? Besides actually locking them in the basement you can’t force them. People have to make their own choices these days because of laws and stuff. I can’t tell you what you should do in your relationship. Cause I don’t fucking know alright. But I can tell you what not to do. So here it is sports fans, a lovely little guide to stop your relationship from ruining your box of shit.

hugging

Don’t get all drunk and start making things weird. When your single and you get drunk, your friends find you funny when you start being a total loser. However this wonderful person you have met will find it funny at first, in fact you will actually be funny at first. But at second, (why do we say at first but not at second?) you will have things in your mind about your relationship that sober you wouldn’t say or probably even think about. Drunk you jumps to conclusions like a dreadful Sherlock homes. Drunk you tries to crucify the criminal they have imagined in their stupid drunk head. Be careful because drunk you will say a bunch of stuff that make absolutely no sense. But unfortunately the words that you said whilst drunk may also be held in evidence against you in a court of relationships. The problem is sober you now has to be drunk you’s lawyer. But you are defending a douchebag. If you are in this situation the only way you can come out the other side is by accepting that drunk you is a fool and desperately pleading guilty of slander.

Don’t talk to mutual friends about your problems. Mutual friends are so cool, like totally rad. I get to hang out with my sexy partner but also my cool friend. What could go wrong?  Everything. Fucking everything could go wrong. At some point your partner is gonna get all drunk and say weird stuff you don’t like. Your cool friend will be like “hey mate what’s up?” and you’ll say something like “I hate James, he ruins everything.” Your cool friend will give you some shitty advice and you’ll take it because your friend is so cool they must have it figured out. Well your cool friend lives with their mum and still hasn’t gotten over the guy they kissed in 2002 that’s why they have so much expendable income and cool hats. Didn’t you see the signs? If you need advice, go to somebody that doesn’t know you both. Then you will get some advice from somebody that puts your needs first and not the needs of you both.

Don’t use them as a scapegoat. Sometimes life isn’t perfect. Your job might not be right or you might have fell in a puddle or something. I don’t know what kind of problems you have, but I do know falling in a puddle is horrible. It can become easy to take out and/or blame your problems on your partner. They are the person you come home to. One day you’ll come home and realise that your box of shit life is still a box of shit, and you’ll just let it all out on them. But what does this achieve? Unless you are literally going out with a wizard/witch then they can’t just solve your problems for you. I’m not talking about the witches that play with stones and stuff cause I’m not sure a stone can help you but maybe if you do have a stone lover for a partner you could ask and see. But don’t come knocking on my door when the stone hasn’t done anything because like I said I’m not sure if stones do anything. I digress. Taking your personal problems or lack of achievement out on your partner only stands to hurt them and make you look bad. If something isn’t going your way ask them for a little bit of that sweet advice, or go out and make a change yourself. Don’t start saying random angry words it never gotten anybody anywhere. Except me because right now you are reading random angry words so that’s where it’s got me. It’s got me some more people to read angry words about not saying angry words. That’s how far angry words get you.

Don’t expect your partner to share your ideals. If you want your partner to like everything you do, share the same political views, be excited by the same things, and eat all the same things. Then you don’t need a partner, you my friend need a mirror. Mirrors unlike partners don’t talk shit about your favourite films, mirrors eat everything you do, and mirrors look shit when you looks shit. Mirrors are great. But a mirror will never actually be any fun and they are heavy and carrying one round all the time kissing it and talking to it will get you rejected from nightclubs and other places where people don’t just carry mirrors round. Relationships need to be symbiotic. You need to both be growing and moving forward for there to be any point. If you have been with somebody for a while and you haven’t learnt or changed because of them then you may actually be in a relationship with a mirror and you can call this number to find out 0800-AMISERIOUSLYDATINGAFUCKINGMIRRORORISTHISPERSONJUSTREALLYLIKEME. So welcome the debates and the change because essentially it will make you a better person. If not for them but at least for you.

Don’t put pressure on sex. Woody Allen famously said “sex is the most fun you can have without laughing” which is great and true and cool and omg I love Woody Allen he is so relatable, or whatever. But let’s dissect that so I can prove a really great point and look smart and wise. It’s the most fun you can have WITHOUT laughing. Laughing is more fun than sex. Relationships are not about just mindlessly banging away until the neighbours can’t take the noise anymore and move to Botswana. Relationships are about choosing somebody that is so perfect that you can’t have fun without them. You can’t enjoy a film or a meal without thinking whether they would like it. You can’t go the day without desperately wanting to share everything with them. Relationships are about the adventures, the growth the experience. Yes, certainly sex is part of that experience. But it isn’t the main event. Sex is the warm up act before your favourite band play that turn out to be awesome as well , then you buy the cd and just get a new favourite band and you thank your old band but then you realise your old band is more important for you than this new band because your old band understands you. But the good thing is you can have both or one or the other at any given time. And that’s fine. It’s when you have neither that you have a problem. Sex should never feel like a chore or something that is mandatory. If you don’t feel like it sometimes it doesn’t mean that your relationship is dead, it means that other things may be more important at that time and if you truly love somebody you won’t care.

Relationships are tough and you have to fight for your right to party. Sorry. You have to fight for them. You have to work at things both together and separately in order to make your box of shit a place where you can be happy. Good luck out there and try not to fall in a puddle and drop your mirror.

You should probably cross at least one box. Why you should vote. By a guy that lives abroad and can’t vote because he forgot to register online.

It is here, the big old politics day. The day where we decide which person we hate the least. Which person we will like for two weeks and hate for 4 years and 50 weeks. The person whose name we will say in a passive aggressive manor when we realise that a pint of lager is going to cost us 30p more than last year. The person who we will see on the news shaking hands with other important people we don’t give a shit about. Politics, what does it all mean? Does anything ever change? Are we as a nation just voting for another scape goat? Somebody to blame for all of our problems? Before politics we blamed god. But God, real or not doesn’t get upset and red faced on the TV when everything gets all fucked up. I’m not here to tell you who to vote for, that is ridiculous. Why would you trust a guy on the internet that doesn’t even live in Britain anymore. But I am here in my almighty wisdom and self-entitlement to tell you all why you need to vote. If you like being told what to do by somebody with very little political knowledge and an attitude problem then this is the mother fucking list for you.big benOne vote does actually count. You hear this one a lot. “Why should I vote? One vote won’t make a difference.” This is a classic statement from a classic moron. Of course one vote counts. Why the fuck would anybody else vote if one vote didn’t count? Oh if votes don’t count let’s all just not vote then shall we. Will just leave the blubbering idiots in Westminster to decide amongst themselves on who gets to play with the toy for the next five years. Your vote matters just as much as anybody else. Surely you can’t have such low self-esteem that you think people out there are crossing boxes better than you making their vote more important yours. Get down there and cross that box like you were born to do. I’ve seen you cross a box before and it was amazing. Maybe you’ll cross it so good you’ll get two votes, who knows? You can do it tiger!

If you don’t vote then you can’t moan. (I know you silly sausages love a moan) One day, maybe not right away. Maybe not even in the next few months. But one day you’re gonna be upset by something that happened to your life. Then you’re gonna be in the pub having a beer and you’ll go “can’t believe they are privatizing the NHS, this government is awful” and then somebody, possibly not even at your table will pop up and say. “Well who did you vote for?” and you’ll say “oh I didn’t vote” and then there will be such laughter. Oh such laughter. We will all laugh and point and say look at Tom. Tom thinks he is allowed an opinion on the way this country is run. But he isn’t because he didn’t vote. “GO HOME TOM!” they will all say through tears of laughter. You will saunter home wishing you had taken my advice and hide away for 5 years desperately voting on things. Your phone bill will be ridiculous from all the contestants you have voted out of big brother. Until you come out old all beardy and weirdy to finally cross that box you should have crossed when a guy who doesn’t live in Britain told you to. Do as you’re told tom, that’s a good boy.

Women, A lady got trampled by a horse for you. (and other women had some terrible experiences too) Brave women fought for your right to vote, they were injured, imprisoned, mistreated, force fed and even lost their lives to give you the right to vote. And you’re just not going to bother. Just think how outrageous that is. You know what? The system isn’t fair. Women still don’t get paid and treated equally. Racism is still a huge problem in Britain. LBGT people still need to fight every day for equality. THAT SUCKS. But on the 7th of May everybody is equal. Everybody’s vote is counted exactly the same. If you think things need to change. Then turn off Jeremy Kyle and have a walk down to the polling station. Get yourself a Yorkie on the way home. Because Yorkie is not just for boys it’s for any fucker that goes out and takes it. Like voting.

I bet you’ve read that and you’re itching to vote. But it’s not till Thursday. In the meantime do some research on who to vote for, you don’t want to get there and get all confused. Do a bit of practice crossing boxes you probably haven’t done it with a real pen for a while. I hope you make the right choice and you get the posh, spluttering figure head you always dreamed of.

What about when you go swimming? and other questions people with tattoos cant bear.

Perhaps last summer you were feeling a little naughty so you went out and got yourself a tattoo, and by golly you love it. Maybe you are big tattoo enthusiast and you enjoy using art on your body as a way of expressing who you are and what you love. You could’ve got a tattoo for a family member or a teddy bear or something else you love. You fools! Now you will have to spend the rest of your life being asked ridiculous fucking questions from self-righteous pricks! You won’t be able to go anywhere for fear of some ignorant little twerp quizzing you and grabbing your arms to get a closer look at something they don’t understand because their version of society gives tattoos bad connotations. Well I’m here to help. This is a list (of course I bloody love lists) of all the stupid questions you are going to spend the rest of your life gritting your teeth through.

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But what does it mean? I can see that it’s a flower but what does it mean? I get it some people get tattoos that mean something, and in this case you won’t need my advice. Just tell the idiot what it means and move on. But for the rest of us who don’t think that everything needs a fucking meaning this is going to be a nightmare. We don’t go around asking this question to passers-by because we understand that everything doesn’t need a meaning. I get that your car is red but what does it mean? I like your new suit, but what does it mean? You’re having an avocado for lunch yeah, but what does that mean? I’ll tell you what it means, it means that I like the way this thing on my body looked. It means I could imagine it looking beautiful or interesting for a life time. It means I’m a grown adult and I will do whatever the hell I want!

Aren’t you worried what you might look like when you are sixty? Ok let’s analyse this. When I’m sixty, I’m going to be coming to the end of my working life, I will have met most of the people I’m going to meet that matter. I will hopefully have grandchildren that love me. At 60 if I have people in my life that judge me based on the modifications I have on my skin I will have made some terrible life choices.

But what about when you take you children swimming? The short answer to this is, I will go swimming with my children. We will get changed, swim, probably get a kit Kat from the vending machine after.

Well won’t you feel bad that you have tattoos and other parents might look at you? I don’t know maybe it’s me, but to be honest most people I know who have tattoos probably got told they shouldn’t but got them anyway because they are really bad ass. This kind of person is not the kind of person that is going to get upset at a swimming pool (unless the wave machine is broken, people with tattoos notoriously love wave machines) because a few squares are looking at them. I will be with my children, I will be looking after my children, I will not be looking in case other swimmers are staring at my tattoos, if all I care about when my children are born is if people are going to stare at my tattoos all the time something terrible could happen to my kids. I’ll be so insecure just looking around crying and screaming STOP STARING AT ME!! Only to find the wave machines been fixed and my son is drowning. Again the short answer is; thank you for worrying about my swimming options but no I won’t be worried about other parents.

How are you going to get a job? I will put on a fucking shirt*. I wasn’t planning on working naked. What kind of person do you think I am? So desperately proud of my tattoos I’m going to show up in string vests to interviews from now. In fairness though maybe I wouldn’t be able to get a job at the swimming pool. But who the hell wants to work there anyway the wave machine is always broken.

What do your parents think of them? Let’s just imagine for a second that we lived in a world where everybody just asked people what their fucking parents thought about things all the time? Is that a new hat? What do your parents think? Why is it so important to you to know what my mum thinks about things? Why has this never come up before? Just the other day I ate curry on toast. Many people would consider this a bad life choice, but I don’t get people coming up to me all the time asking what my mum thought about it. We are our own people. Some people’s parents like their tattoos. Some people’s hate them, others are indifferent. How in any way will it enhance your life knowing how my mum a woman you have never met and probably never will, feels about me getting a tattoo.

Did it hurt? Unless you have never seen a tattoo before ever. Then I’m sure somebody has already answered this one before for you. Tattoos hurt a bit, but most people get more than one tattoo, so that tells you something. Just like how women always complain about child-birth being painful but it doesn’t put them off having children. So the answer is yeah, it hurts but not enough to stop me having another child. Tattoo.

I was thinking of getting a sleeve done how much would a sleeve cost? Again this is beyond stupid. Assuming because somebody has tattoos the place where they had them done just gave them all the information they need to go around giving price consultations to strangers they met at Alton Towers. This is the equivalent of somebody buying a car and you expecting them to know the price of every car. This isn’t how life works. Why don’t you know how life works?

If you have tattoos or are thinking about getting one, please don’t let these twats put you off doing something that you think is beautiful and uplifting. Something that allows you to express yourself in your own way and not the way people tell you should. Just remember life isn’t about wave machines or what people’s parents think. You only get one shot at this life (unless you believe in an afterlife of some kind) and if tattoos are symbiotic with your happiness then don’t let any of these pathetic douchebags get in your way. It’s their problem not yours.

*If you got a tattoo on your neck or hands or even face then I don’t have any experience in answering this question. So I would love you to help advise others on this in the comments below.