Ruining a dogs life and how to avoid it.

Dogs are well good aren’t they? I mean if you don’t love dogs then you are a freak and you probably have no soul and no hope of ever finding love. Dogs can teach us so much about compassion, love, fun and well you know life. But some of you fucking fucks aren’t looking after your canine companion’s correctly so I’ve written a short list on how to look after a dog like a real human being with feelings and common sense and not like doughnut.labrador

Reasons to get a dog. There are many reasons to get a dog, companionship, exercise, Love and many more. But, because your child wants one is not a reason. I’m pretty sure most children want a fire engine or a space suit but you don’t just pop out and get them one because they really want it. Imagine if you brought your child everything they ever asked for? You would have a garden full of weird stuff and a house full of Pokémon cards (Or whatever is currently cool). I think it is important to have pets growing up it teaches children responsibility, love and all about life and death. However just because on Tuesday the 10th of May little Tommy said in his cutest voice “I will love him, and feed him and walk him every day” does not mean that he will “feed him, and walk him, and love him every day” pretty soon you will be the one who has to “feed him, and walk him, and love him every day” so ask yourself are you ready for this? Remember what little tommy got for Christmas last year? NO! Neither does he because he got bored of it like children do. Except when he gets bored of this Christmas present it is actually a living thing that you can’t just put in the attic. Well you can but that is disgusting! What kind of a person are you? Aside from children telling you what to do, other reasons not to get a dog are;

  • Man in pub was selling one cheap.
  • Boyfriend left me.
  • Girlfriend might leave me if I don’t bring some excitement into my life.
  • Dog might stop people stealing my stuff.
  • Dog makes me look hard as fuck.

Choosing a dog. There are loads of different types of dogs, they aren’t just different aesthetically, their breed can give you an indication into their personality. However even within the breed all dogs are not the same. Just like all human beings with brown hair are not the same. So first of all do your research into a breed that is suitable for you. Now I’m a strong believer that if you walk and entertain your dog enough then the size of your house doesn’t matter too much. But let’s face it if you live in a studio apartment you probably don’t want a Great Dane. That giant dog will be all up in your shit and you won’t have an attic to put him in. so have a look on the internet, hey your using it to read this fantastic blog so I’m sure you know how to google. www.google.com ya know just in case. Pick a dog that fits your lifestyle. My top tip is if you don’t like mud and gross things being put on your lap don’t get a Labrador.

Acquiring your dog. I’m not getting on a high horse here like many people do. If you want to buy a dog because you like a specific breed then that’s perfectly cool. But buy it from a responsible source. If you live in countries that still sell dogs in pet shops. Stop buying dogs from fucking pet shops. You’re not part of the solution by saving that dog you are part of the problem. If you want to adopt a dog then right on brother. Adopting a dog will also give you a great way to let other dog owns know you are proper sound. You’ll bump into them and they will say “hey nice dog” and you will say “yeah he’s great, I adopted this guy from a dog home because I’m Proper sound” and then you can go about your day knowing that one more person knows that you really are proper sound.

“Feed Him, and walk him, and love him every day” you know that feeling you get when you know you have a really great meal planned for tonight? Well that is how your dog feels about every meal ever. So feed your dog. You know that feeling you get when the sickest tune drops in the club or when you realised Bruce Willis was dead the whole time at the end of the sixth sense? Well that is how your dog feels about every walk ever. So walk your dog. You know that feeling you had when you were ill as a child and your mum took care of you? Or when you have a bad day and your partner kisses you softly on the head? That feeling you get when you see a new-born child for the first time? Well yeah you guessed it! That is how your dog feels about you every day ever. So love your dog like they love you.

Well there we have it, I hope I wasn’t too Ruff on you?

But in all seriousness if you want to get a dog then just try and be a sort of ok person that doesn’t ruin the short life span of something that only has the capacity to love, eat, poop and sleep.

Meet the horrible people that will ruin your working life.

This post was originally office based, but then I realised unfortunately you will encounter these pricks in all fields of work. Some of them are harmless, but slightly infuriating and perhaps you fantasize about spilling coffee on their phone so they get upset. Some of them deteriorate the very fibre of your being and perhaps you fantasize about spilling coffee on their face.vintage-coffee-time-karl-addison

The overly friendly. I’m sure you have friends outside of work that understand you and don’t want to ruin your whole life. So why the hell would you want to make weird work friends who you have nothing in common with, except your terrible rate of pay. However there is always this special little freak who would just love to be friends with everybody, everywhere and that means you. Not the real you. Work you. Angry, sad, up and down, cry in the car on the way work you. Unfortunately the real you doesn’t allow you to tell this vampire to leave you alone. The real you guilt trips you in to listening to their stories about camping and desperation.

The Hangover. Eugh. “you’ll never guess how many jaeger bombs I sunk last night!” Annouced Neil as he walked through the door. Don’t worry you don’t have to guess, he will have told you before you even have time to think about how many jaeger bombs Neil might’ve had. But oddly enough this might be the easiest part of your day with him. He will play the parts of all the dwarfs throughout the day. He will be Happy, Sleepy, Pukey, Hungry, Angry, Horny and Ruin-your-motherfucking-Monday-y.

The bragger. You know what, there is a very good chance this is just Neil without the jaeger bomb breath. Maybe Neil on Tuesday. This person has done everything and usually has selfies to prove it. They also know a place better than that lovely little restaurant you found last Thursday that does better food at better prices. Because you know, Neil has done everything. I HATE YOU NEIL.

The not really hot but. There is a person, in every place of work that the employees will all talk about. Outside of the working environment they are just another troll. But to you they are the epitome of dreamy. The girls have one and the boys have one. They know they are they johnny depp of B&Q staff and they love it.

The person who thinks they are the boss. “Oh hi did you get those reports done?” “can you stop chatting over there?” “ok guys let’s take lunch”! these are all signs that you have a wannabe on your hands. This person outside of work is in charge of their neighbourhood watch committee. This person makes their kids do chores on the weekend. This person has a face that would look lovely in cappuccino.

The Cloud (of emotion). If they had a breakup then you’re gonna have a breakdown. This person wants to take you down with them. If Robby nearly kissed her last night then expect a nice easy day (she might even bring cakes in when she is happy). But if Robby didn’t text her back last night then expect a miserable day (she still might bring cakes). This person isn’t necessarily a woman. There are men like this too. The men are normally worse because men throw things.

If for some reason you haven’t encountered one of these people. Then you are actually one of them. Take a look at the signs.

Do you keep bringing in cakes to work all the time?

How to survive a zombie apocalypse. (Based on stuff I have seen on TV)

It’s a beautiful day, you come down for breakfast and you find everybody is already eating, naturally you’re a bit annoyed, I mean why didn’t they wait for you? But then there is the bigger issue, they’re eating your neighbours face. This puts you off breakfast all together.

The zombie apocalypse is upon you, it’s frightening and weird but I’m here with you to tell you how to get through this based on all the stuff I’ve seen on TV and some other stuff I read on some websites.norman

Here it is. The definitive guide on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. (If it happens almost exactly as the nice people that make television programmes told us it would.)

If you don’t already live in the middle of nowhere in a little hut then you should think about relocating right away. GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! The city or town you once knew and loved with that favourite little café with that hot little waitress is gone, and guess what? That hot little waitress is dead! DEAD! So grab some essentials (if you have time) and head out of the densely populated areas. I recommend somewhere with hills. Zombies hate hills they keep on rolling down them like horrible jack and Jill’s desperate to fetch a pale of brains.

Why did you skip breakfast? That’s right your family were eating your neighbour and you felt sick. Pussy. You’ve got to get some food together. Grab things with a long shelf life, there are no brie and tomato Pret A Manger sandwiches where you’re going. Keep this in mind, fruit cake, yes lovely Christmas fruit cake will last up to 100 years without refrigeration. This is something I read online, you never see people on TV scoffing fruit cake. And that’s why they always die.

Stick in a group you can trust. Remember that time your friend Sarah took the last piece of garlic bread when you really wanted it. Well now it’s your knife and she is stabbing you with it to get to your fruit cake. Don’t trust that bitch.

This one is controversial. Stay away from kids. In TV shows kids literally ruin everything. They scream. They try to hang out with the zombies (we all know that FREAK from the walking dead). They don’t follow your rules. They wonder off in search of fun. Damn it kids look at the flowers!

Let go of your old life. Do it quickly! During a zombie apocalypse there isn’t any throwback Thursdays or cheeky Nandos. All there is, is careful something might bite your fucking leg off Fridays and cheeky fruit cakes.

Finally stop trying to drive all the time. In films driving during an apocalypse is how you get yourself killed, do you wanna get yourself killed? Stay off the roads. Zombies love roads (and hate hills see point 1) people are always crashing, getting stuck in traffic, bumping in to weird groups of people who want to push you around and steal your women. So stay away if you can.

 If this actually helps you survive a zombie apocalypse then you’re welcome, but if this is the only research you’ve done, don’t come crying to me if you end up dead. I’m not a professional, I’m just a man.

Dear Diners. A comprehensive guide on how not to be a terrible customer.

Dear diners, I’m sure most people think they are great customers in restaurants and they makethe life of the staff easy and in some cases enjoyable. Well you don’t. ALL OF YOU constantly break the unwritten rules of being a nice person by fucking up your restaurant etiquette. So today I will give you a few tips on how not to be a tosser in the restaurant environment.

  1. Wait your turn.When you show up to the restaurant and just start strolling around like it’s your mothers dining room you are messing with the system. I don’t care how many times you’ve been before, or if you always get that table. Wait your turn. We will show you to a suitable table and then we can all play nicely.
  1. Stay seated. Ok so you’ve picked or been given a table. Perhaps you don’t like the table because you’re getting a draft up you back or the couple next to you are putting you of your food! That’s fine. If we have other tables you can be moved sure, we’re cool like that. But don’t just grab your stuff and start traveling. It’s confusing and annoying.
  1. Make a decision and stick to it. Whether its drinks or food it isn’t that hard. Pick something. Wait for it. Consume it. Don’t pick a drink and then when I bring it to you tell me you actually wanted slim line tonic. Nobody actually wants slim line tonic. How many calories more are there even in full fat tonic? With drinks it’s not that bad really it only makes you a little bit of a tit. But with food it’s horrendous. How can you pick a carbonara wait for it to be mostly cooked and then decide you want something different? How did you make it this far in life being so indecisive you can’t even choose what you want to eat.
  2. If you want something I will get it for you. When your lovely waiter/waitress comes to your table and offers you something, I don’t know perhaps your drink is low and you turn that offer down. That’s ok perhaps you’re not thirsty. But please don’t stop my manager to get you something 2 minutes later whilst I’m stood around with nothing to do. You’re making me look bad and that’s making you look bad.
  1. Stack em’ or leave em’. Maybe you worked in a restaurant when you were younger and you know just how bad it really is. (Let’s face it as a restaurant worker you job is just to get stuff for people and clean up after people. You are professional stuff getter and shit cleaner-up-after-er) so you think hey I’m going to help the little guy out by stacking up all these plates. Stacking them is cool. Leaving them is cool. Creating a weird pile of un-carry-able gravy secreting wibbly wobbly terror is not cool.
  1. Small talk. You like small talk, we like small talk. We all love small talk its part of being British. What we don’t like is long talk. (Is it called that?) when I’m doing my weird fast I might run any minute walk because I’m up to my neck in stuff that needs getting or cleaning it isn’t a great time to ask me the name of my first pet or what my great granddad did for a living.
  1. Jokes. I love jokes. Most people love a good laugh. For the most part your sense of humour will be a part of the job that makes it easier to stop ourselves from drinking away the pain at the end of each night. But some of you will have a sense of humour that has the complete opposite effect and is the reason most waiters/waitress have pot belly’s. Do you ever wonder how many times we have heard your joke about being sweet enough or that you didn’t enjoy your meal even when there is no food left on your plate. A million. A fucking million, that’s how many times we have heard it. We can muster a fake laugh and smile through the pain but we don’t have to if you just stop telling the same tired jokes that are older than my great granddad (he was a carpenter by the way.)
  1. Tip hard or go home. If you’ve received good service then leave a tip if you want or don’t. I don’t care if you don’t want to tip even if I did manage to carry your weird pile of un-carry-able gravy secreting wibbly wobbly terror and laugh at your shitty joke about eating your soup with a fork because I forgot to bring you a spoon. Not tipping is douchey but ok. However there is special place in hell reserved for those who “micro-tip” you had a good time, your wife had good time, hell I even had a good time. You’ve had your bill and its reasonable so you come up to me hand me the bill with a cheeky wink you say “the change is for you” with a childlike grin and hurry to the till to calculate my bonus, spending it on Doritos and dip in my mind already. Only to cash it in and realise you’ve left 5p! What you’ve done is sent me on an emotional roller-coaster ending in despair for no good reason. You sir are a tosser.
  1. The sneaky tip. Everybody knows that most restaurants pool the tips togettippingher and share them between the staff and the end of the night or in some cases at the end of the week. Which we are used to. Maybe I’ve been really good and you liked me (I don’t know how because I’m clearly filled with resentment.) and you think I deserve the sneaky tip. As if you were buy drugs in the nineties you shake my hand and slip me the sneaky tip and say something like, “that’s just for you my son” it’s a great compliment and would be really nice if you didn’t just ascend me into a moral dilemma. Now I can’t concentrate on all the carrying of things I have to do because I can’t decide whether to add it to the jar or hide it my pocket all night like a deceitful swine. Thank you for the compliment, Fuck you for the dilemma.
  1. Is this your real job? “I know this is your job but what do you really do? You must go college or something? Are you in-between jobs?) No ROGER! This is my real job. Jesus ROGER! kick a man whilst he is down. This is the social equivalent to asking a fatty if she is pregnant.

So there we have it ten simple steps on how to be a stand-up guy/girl. 

Microwaves, Haters Gon’ Hate!

I don’t know if it’s just me because I keep asking people what they think about microwaves or has anybody else noticed microwaves get a lot of hate. I mean a lot. Microwaves are the Justin Bieber of the cooking world. But is there reason to hate the humble white box that many of us have in our homes. Are we condemning convenience for no reason. Well if anybody is actually interested in finding out. Here are some pros and cons for the nuclear food reactor we love to hate. 

Let’s start with the pros…

1. The microwave has a wicked invention story!
Most people have heard this story before at a boring dinner party or perhaps you’ve used it in an attempt to impress a potential mate (let’s face it who wouldn’t its incredible). Its 1940, Percy Spencer an engineer is working on a boring old radar in the lab. Percy had forgotten all about the chocolate bar in his pocket, only to find it had melted. Instead of getting all upset and going to the vending machine to buy another he dashed his kinder Bueno aside and made sense of what happened. Whilst making magnetrons he realised that microwaves could be directed at food to heat it rapidly. He did some more tests on an egg and some popcorn and found his research to be conclusive. Thus the microwave was born out of an accident just like many of us human beings the microwave wasn’t planned but is it unwanted?
2. With the exception of pizza there aren’t many left overs that go down well cold.

But if you have paid for a takeaway curry it can be heart breaking to put what you couldn’t finish into the bin.  But eating it cold unless you’re a maniac is simply not on! This is where the microwave saves the day again.

3. Lunch.

If you’re reading this you probably work in an office because you would have to be extremely bored to be reading the pros and cons of the microwave. Which leads me to my next point. Lunch at work. You may be the kind of person who goes out for lunch or buys a sandwich/salad/6 pack of pork pies from Tesco everyday either way you are spending too much on lunch and will probably be dissatisfied either with the quality of the food or the fake friends from the office you have to go to lunch with. The microwave gives you a spectacular opportunity to reheat tasty leftovers from last night’s meal or if you are really fucking awesome make something special for your lunch the night before that will take your lunches from boring to extraordinary.

4. Hot chocolate.

Heat that milk in the microwave with the cocoa powder in it. It is the only way to enjoy hot chocolate.

5. There are no health risks.

Despite what Sandra the naturalist yoga instructor will tell you it is completely false that microwaves effect your food in a negative way. In fact in some cases microwave will retain more minerals and nutrients in your food than other cooking methods such as boiling. HAVE THAT SANDRA!

Ok so that’s just 5 reason microwaves are actually our friend. But don’t run to the kitchen with flowers for it yet. Here are the cons;

1. Now I know it’s not really the microwaves fault but … I’m sure you can guess where I am going to start. READY MEALS!

With the birth of the microwave we were given a new way of preparing our meals which incidentally was not preparing them at all. Get yourself down to Iceland and grab yourself a microwave pizza because waiting ten minutes for pizza is just too long. I hope you get the sarcasm there. I nearly wrote “NOT!” at the end to make it clear but that would be childish. NOT! Anyhow I digress. Microwaves have cause all sorts of fat people and it’s not really the microwaves fault. The microwave doesn’t tell you what to put in it. It is a humble food servant at your disposal. So treat it right. Just because you can have Peking duck in under 2 minutes doesn’t mean you should.

2. They look ugly.

Have you ever gone into a kitchen and thought “what a nice microwave”? No. nobody has.

3. Sometimes you can get a hot bowl and cold food.

Stir that shit every once in a while and this can be avoided but you know who stirs pizza?

4. There isn’t a four. 

So that concludes it. If you have made it this far well done you now know the answer to another of life’s mysteries. The microwave is ok. It isn’t loveable but it has a place in the kitchen and if you use it for the right reasons you won’t get fat and die. Well you will die but not because of the microwave. 

Coming over ere’ taking our jobs

Are you sick of foreigners”coming over ‘ere taking our jobs?”
Here are a few things we can do to stop this!
Have you tried actively seeking work? I mean like seriously actively seeking work, not just posting on facebook “anybody know any jobs going holla at me?” or asking Dean in the local bar if he has any labouring work? Get yourself on a job site! Look in the fucking paper!
Have you tried applying for jobs you are qualified for?Maybe you can’t get a job because you are not a  astronaut! Not because the polish are taking all the sweet ass jobs and leaving us with the terrible ones.
Have you tried editing your CV so you sound like a human being that somebody might want to employ and not a total douchebag? NO PARKOUR IS NOT A SPECIAL SKILL! Employers know when you put “socializing” in your interests, that it really means drinking! For the love of god stop beginning your personal statements with “my name is chad” or “I am 24 years old and I live in stoke on Trent” have some imagination! Sell yourself. Nobody wants to hire a boring alcoholic that does parkour on the side!
Have you tried showing up to your interviews on time?Argh public transport! Bloody hot waters not working again! Bloody hell mum why didn’t you wake me up? these are some examples of life’s little annoyances, they are however not a reason to miss an interview for a job that could so easily be taken from you by a foreigner who will show up to their interview on time because they have an alarm clock and an oyster card. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
Have you tried making a good first impression?So you have followed steps 1-4and have made it to the interview. Well done you. Are you prepared? Have you dressed appropriately? Being prepared doesn’t just mean doing some lame five minute research on the company so you can tell them stuff they already know, let’s face it it’s their business. Being prepared means showing up with some actual conversation, something interesting not just what happened in maga2k12. whether or not you have a personality doesn’t matter the average interview will last 20 minutes I’m sure you can hold it together for that long and make the employer feel like you are more than just another robot. Whatever job you are going for you are more likely to get it if the employer likes you, that bit is obvious. So ask them questions too, tell them things about yourself that make you seem like you might be a nice person to work with. (Dressing appropriately means don’t show up to an interview for a fucking bar job in a suit you look like a bell end and vice versa!)
Have tried doing your job properly? You got the job yippee. Now comes the hard part! Show up on time! Do your job! Don’t talk back to your boss. Don’t take an early lunch! Don’t come in hung-over. Take the overtime if you are offered it. Don’t only make yourself a cup of tea! Don’t have sex with your colleagues. FUCKING DO YOUR JOB!

So there we have it. An easy way to stop people coming over ‘ere taking your jobs!